FURIOUS at 8am

Posted by: Elyse

I am fucking furious. I've been working two jobs, being busy as hell and then still partying so hard whenever I can.  So this little lady is TIRED. SO tired.  Like, even been blowing off my boyfriend to sleep.  Sleep is so very precious to me.  So I'm all excited because that jerk off Columbus ruined the Native Americans' entire existence but also provided a bank holiday. So I didn't have to work either job today and my goal was to sleep until like noon.  I swore last night that if I woke up before 8am, my liver was going to take a beating from a bottle of nyquil.

This fine morning, I'm all snuggied up in my blankies in my cave of darkness bc I have one of those awesome, impervious to light pull down shades, and all of a sudden I'm awoken.  

CAW. CAW. CAW.  Ok, you fucking crow, that's cute. Now stop.

CAWCAW CAW CAWCAWCAW CAW CAW CAWWW CAW CAW.  This motherfucker KEPT making that godawful noise.  I finally pry my eyes open and peek out my shade and there he is.  This lone black crow sitting directly outside my window FUCKING CAWING AT ME. It's like, bro, where are your friends? Go fly around and caw so that I only hear you in passing and can go back to bed. And then I do the unthinkable and check my blackberry.  7:57am.  And he proceded to do it until 8:05am. EIGHT SOLID MINUTES of cawing.  That's when I turned into the Hulk.

Oh, hell no, bird.  I shoot my ass out of bed, in nothing but my skanky undies and a wifebeater, and barrel down the stairs.  Grab a Chuck Taylor out of the closet and whip open my front door.  I fired that sneaker at Mr. Crow soooo hard.  It was a narrow miss, but he got the point.  He ca-cawed his ass right out of my front yard.  I still haven't retrieved my sneaker, but I also couldn't fall back asleep so I ate a bunch of cold pizza and a tater tot omelet.  I might get my hunting permit today and shoot every fucking crow in Schoharie county.

things i found while looking for my social security card.

Posted by: Elyse


I'm on the hunt.  I can't find my effin social security card to save my life, and the last time I used it was at the NYS DMV. I thought that place was hell in Massachusetts, fuggetabouuuuuttitttt. They probably stole it.  Regardless, my super new job wants a photocopy of it and I'm hoping since two weeks went by they'll just forget it because I just tore my room apart looking for it.  Unsuccessful.  BUT I did find a whole bunch of other gems..... come on a pictoral adventure with me? (Also I'm comp illiterate so you're gunna have to tilt your head to view these. deal with it.)

ahhhh, my farewell letter from my CHREEEESTIAN. complete with spiderwebs and rockets because.... well. i don't really know. <3 

this sweet ass miniature ash tray with creepy spooky owl eyeballs that is definitely heavily used, but not since I've been in the smoke free zone.  Outside in this rugged upstate New York weather, the Jolly Green Giant and his can o' string beans hold up much better.

Not just any mad libs..... GOOFY mad libs.  See the goofy guy giving bunny ears???  And they have silly glasses/nose disguises.  They are so goofy.

this was how disorganized westfield Elyse used to try to remember to pay her bills. I folded it in half bc after the month of November 2008, it looks like I gave up on bills altogether.  Until I acquired about 3 more credit cards.

speaking of money that I owe people, check out this warrant for my arrest.  Yeah I was convinced for about 8 months that since I didn't technically live in Massachusetts anymore (even though I had not changed over my registration or license to NY) that I didn't have to pay my excise tax.  Gov. Patrick was NOT down with that shit.

DO YOU REMEMBER THESE THINGS????  Me and my friend stephanie made this one at work like... 3 years ago. My favorite fortune inside reads "You will soon meet a man who is single, straight, working, not 35, doesn't start bar fights, doesn't do laundry at 3am with a girl who is just a friend, and is possibly a member of glassjaw." awwww, steph, dreams DO come true!

this is Muffy, my fave cracked out looking stuffed animal of all time. Cat is ZOOTED, all kinds of hopped up on that kitty cocaine n'ahmeans?

mmmmm where have YOU been all my life Mr. McGillicuddy? Oh, what's that? Oh, you have your phd! I'm so sorry.... DOCTOR McGillicuddy is it.

?????

mmmmm and then I found this hershey bar.  I have no idea how old it is but guess what, I ate it. And then washed it down with some vanilla McGillicuddy's.  Wait, what was I looking for again?

Results may vary: The Prescription Drug Side-Effects Megamix

Posted by: Christie

I'm glad somebody finally put a compilation like this together. These ads along with other prescription ads basically take up 60% of commercial space on TV.  If you really listen to what they say the side effects are, it's pretty terrifying considering the problems you could give yourself by trying to solve an already large set of problems. If the blood clots and dry mouth don't get you, the increased likelihood of a gambling addiction or suicidal thoughts will. The craziest part is they openly tell you that these things could happen and yet most of the country is taking them regularly despite the fact.  It's like, hey, you could take these prescriptions and hope for the best and maybe your depression will go away or you could actually make your situation much worse and might have to sit home being depressed after you lose all your money gambling or a blood clot has you bedridden. Wouldn't that just be depressing.

MS paint is still a beautiful thing.

Posted by: Christie

HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS GIRL?????????

SHE'S MISSING!

and if she doesn't show up to blogland with an MHL in hand pretty soon, hardcorehugz shall be MINE and MINE ALONE muahahhahahahahahahahha..............

really, bret michaels?

Posted by: Elyse

ok, so I love me some reality TV just as much as the next drunk bloke.  sign me up for an all day America's Next Top Model marathon and I'm in it to win it...... but for real????? wtf is the appeal of this guy?

Bret Michaels.  Oh man.  When your only claim to fame is being one of the easiest Halloween costumes in the world to replicate (besides lady whorega), just bury me.  For real, throw on a blonde wig and a bandana and some tight jeans and TA-DA, you're Bret Michaels, I would laugh at myself.

This broski not only gets ONE reality tv show, but two??? I could understand before when it was a bunch of washed up whores wanting to bang someone from an 80s hair band, that was totally acceptable.  I loved Bret Michaels when he was skanking it up with a bunch of extension and corset wearing sluts trying to find true love. But back up the soul train, because someone tell me when this dude became such the family man????

So in order to get 9 reality shows basically,VH1, what you're telling me is that I have to first, be a slut, then have a brain hemmorage, then a stroke, then an OD of viagara, then a vagina transplant, then a stroke, then a penis wax......... annnnd.... I'm good for syndication? Wait, I have to go on tour somewhere in there with Miley Cyrus and her stank ass vag, and also come up with this random family that no one knew I had.  Are you kidding me???? Nothing makes me more angry than people who are famous-er than me and for no good reason.

I get the Bret Michaels of the Poison days, for sure. No doubt I woulda been banging some sort of band member from the 80s if I wasn't 5 then.  But now that he's a washed up hasbeen and had some medical mishaps, I have to watch his family life and "wild shenanigans" on half assed cable television???? No thank you. Kenny Powers, lead me into some more solid washed up has been television programming. UGH.

a throwback story about your two fave bloggers

Posted by: Elyse

HE. IS. LEGEND.


So, back when these guys were still awesome (spring 09), miss Christie and I decided to take a little roadski trippy to Worcester, MA (MY HOMETOWN MOFUGGGA) to see them.  At this time I was still in upstate NY and xtiebitch was in western MA, so I drove my ass out to her house so that we could combine forces and wreak havoc.

So the whole way down we're slamming champagne outta styrofoam cups, and once we get there we are blasting shots of vodka straight out the cheap bottle. Needless to say we are effffffed up. And about to rock our faces off.  Once we're in there rocking out, my buddy Slippery Pete (no I'm not trying to be funny, thats his name I swear) is bartending and almost gets mandated by security to cut me off bc I'm wrecked but he doesn't.

So HIL comes out and we're fucking rocking the hell out, minding our bizniz when these two little 13 yr old skanks in front of us turn around and like SCREAM at the top of our lungs that we need to shut up and we sound like chipmunks. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm are you kidding me bitch???? First of all, we're standing in front of a monster amp and speaker so tell me that you can hear anything besides Schuylar Croom screaming his ball satchel off. Secondly, I could have birthed you and taught you how to rock out with our ripe age difference, but your lame Kenny G listening mama did it instead, so shut up and show some respect to your elders.

So me and xtie are like whatevs let's go relieve our bladders because they are full of ALCOHOL and you little bitches can't drink.  We're in the bathroom and since I'm seeing about 19 of myself in the mirror, I decide it's a great idea to give a sentimental lecture to this other small herd of tweenagers.  I'm all slurring my speech, dumping my budweiser on their hot pink converses and I'm like "Listenakdg.... you girlskangdaieh, you dont' even know how proud you making mekhagiehaek.... that you're like KEEPING THE SCENE ALIVE MANNNNihagoehgakeghidugh.  I fucking love you girls?!!!" And I'm pretty sure we group hugged and then being the cool twenty something yr old that I was, I was like "here, you guysssss... you just take this beer and you all split it and you girls have an aweeeesooomealkhgeoiahge time tonighhhht!"

They looked at me like I was Justin freakin Bieber.  Straight up worship.  I left that bathroom feeling like a goddess. and after that I remember nothing. apparently I vomited in a different bar's bathroom while Christie gave inspirational speeches to the homeless people of Worcester.
Thanks, He Is Legend!

an ode to blogging

Posted by: Elyse

IDK about you guys but I know that when I'm scrolling through someone's blog, if the title or the picture (yes, christie, I admit I know what you're talking about with the whole sucking them in with pictures thing) doesn't tickle my fancy, and there's a lot of writing, I probably won't read that post.

But then I give myself a solid ass slap and I'm like whooooa champ, it's not necessarily the outcome of the game, it's all the plays IN the game.  Terrible sports reference. Anyway, like, I only read hilarious blogs bc I don't care about world politics and boring shit.  Two of my faves are  www.stoollala.com and www.wwtdd.com.   Now these motherfuckers are FUNNY.  And even though sometimes their pics or titles don't draw me in, I read every single entry.  Because who cares what or who someone is talking about if whatever comes out of their mouth ABOUT the topic is pure comedic gold??? I want to date the dude from wwtdd.com on the reallllll.

That said, I've been super busy lately because I work two jobs and I kinda sorta found this new stud, and I've been ingesting as much Miller High Life as humanly possible, but for God sake's, do not just scroll through this blog bc the titles don't capture your Harvard bred attention. EFFIN SNOBS.  Just kidding.


PS. Someone get that man in or around my vagina. mmmmm

BOOGALOO

Posted by: Christie



Watch it, wait three seconds, watch it again, wait three more seconds, watch again, etc. notice something new and epic everytime. <3 The Office

you've let me down, drunk elyse

Posted by: Elyse

So last night I was at the bar and there was this kid that I knew outside and he's got a dazzling smile and blah blah.... anyway.  So he had a fake ID bc he's 20 and I know you guys are like wow Elyse, why are you hanging out with 20 yr olds, you ancient biatch, but for real, super melty smile that's all imma say.

Anywho, so he shows me his fake and he kinda looks like the kid and he can recite all the bizniz off of it so I guess he's golden.  And they have different names, obv.

SO TELL ME WHY THE HELL DID DRUNK ELYSE NOT GO FOR THE BEST THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID EVER....................................

"What should I call you when you're inside?"

Really???? I have to save this kind of creativity for the next morning????? No one is friends with sober Elyse, besides the Acacia Strain, let's stop joking around. ugh. so disappointed in myself. have an awesome day. I'm getting day drunk so I don't let an opportunity like this pass me by ever again.