So I wrote a facebook status about how I'd like to be a bear because they get to eat, sleep forever and then get super skinny. And I thought of this while watching one of those wild animal shows on NatGeo that my mom used to torturously make me watch when I was a kid, but now I secretly do it voluntarily. And once my brain got racing, I realized there's like a billion animals I'd rather be than human, because so many things in the animal world that would be frowned upon in human land are A-OK.
A shark. Ok, so you have just about no natural predators so you're not really in any danger, you can legit sleep while floating around in the water, ANNNNND you are ultra super badass. If I were a shark, I'd make a point of it to feast upon the livers of all my exboyfriends, but not even eat them, just spit them back out. What do I need their livers for? I'm a shark.
A flamingo. I'd be pink. Nuff said. Also, standing like a boss all day.
An owl. Nighttime vision means acute awareness of all forest lurking rapists. Although, I guess I'd be less fearful of rapists since I wouldn't be human. So how about total social acceptability of throwing up the remants of your food after every meal? Ballsy.
An elephant. If I were an elephant, I'd never have to ped egg again. No one would care about my dry skin. and I'd smack a bitch with my trunk if she did.
A camel. First off, no one would bat an eye or make a filthy remark about the two giant humps protruding from my body. Wouldn't that be a little slice of heaven. And not that I spit that frequently, but I'd spit all over the place if I was a camel because why the hell not? Mostly on my ex boyfriends.
Lastly, I might want to give being a vulture a whirl. Because it's the ultimate in lazy..... It's like showing up to a party without bringing an appetizer, without bringing a 12 pack, and without having your own pack of cigarettes. SO UNACCEPTABLE, but the vulture is just like "lemme get some, can I have some? I'm having some anyway." (I LOLed at the picture I used for the vulture, because he totally looks like he's saying that). Which might be fun. But if I got in the habit of it, I would be careful flying over shark me. Nom, Nom, Nom........
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