Monday, November 28, 2011
ummm excuse me?
Posted by: Elyse
Someone get me this! NOW! but like do it on the sly, because I really love my dad and I don't want him to disown me or kick me out of the family for so badly coveting thy AFC East divisional rival's quarterback. Get it delivered to my PO Box in discreet packaging, like when you order sex toys or dirty dvds. Then text me the exact location of Ryan Fitzpatrick and his actual beard, but do it several days ahead of time because I need to shave my legs and I'm wicked lazy. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR BLOG READERS?????
I'll never get old and this is why
Posted by: Elyse
Why. Just.... fuckin.... why? I know when you get old your hearing goes and your eyesight slips away and sometimes even your mental capacity. But does your sense of smell go away? Because how many old peeps can you name right now without even blinking that you KNOW wreak of moth balls and OLD LADY PERFUME. Seriously, how can you not know that you smell like a moth ball? Maybe that's where the two scents go hand in hand. Instead of disposing of the moth balls and washing their clothes, they just pile on the old lady perfume.
And I'm desperate to know... at what age does Elizabeth Taylor's "White Diamonds" start smelling delicious?? Is there a certain cutoff? Like on your 65th birthday, you just go to the store and resign and say "my oh my that White Diamonds smells like Jesus urine. I should dump a whole bunch on me before I go anywhere." And perhaps it's the feeble old lady hands, and they think they've only sprayed once, but correct me if I'm wrong in saying that I don't think I've ever smelled old lady perfume in gentle quantities. I would rather smell a meathead who drank his Axe body spray and is now sweating it out of his pores than grandma, who washes her sheets in any fragrance made by a now 90 year old movie star.
Why. Just.... fuckin.... why? I know when you get old your hearing goes and your eyesight slips away and sometimes even your mental capacity. But does your sense of smell go away? Because how many old peeps can you name right now without even blinking that you KNOW wreak of moth balls and OLD LADY PERFUME. Seriously, how can you not know that you smell like a moth ball? Maybe that's where the two scents go hand in hand. Instead of disposing of the moth balls and washing their clothes, they just pile on the old lady perfume.
And I'm desperate to know... at what age does Elizabeth Taylor's "White Diamonds" start smelling delicious?? Is there a certain cutoff? Like on your 65th birthday, you just go to the store and resign and say "my oh my that White Diamonds smells like Jesus urine. I should dump a whole bunch on me before I go anywhere." And perhaps it's the feeble old lady hands, and they think they've only sprayed once, but correct me if I'm wrong in saying that I don't think I've ever smelled old lady perfume in gentle quantities. I would rather smell a meathead who drank his Axe body spray and is now sweating it out of his pores than grandma, who washes her sheets in any fragrance made by a now 90 year old movie star.
idk lol w me?!
Posted by: Elyse
Howdy bitches. So I've eluded to this in a prior post, but since it's been like a solid year since I've blogged, I'm gunna refresh yo memories. Please tell me if I'm obscenely crazy or if this is normal:
So I live in a pretty small town where not only does everyone know your name, but everyone knows your business and who's peen you're into and how many yuenglings you consumed last Friday night and your 3 time a day pizza habit (don't judge). Especially with me, I work two jobs. I work at a bank so I have all these mostly older people that I see daily who know profesh Elyse and then I bartend a few days a week so I know all the drunkies and all that stuff. Wouldn't it be just deliciously nice if I were able to go to the grocery store or Walmart or CVS without having to run into someone I know and have a 5 minute conversation with each one? For real, sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to run into price chopper and get a goddamn frozen pizza because I get stuck having to explain who I was making out with in the parking lot at locos two weekends ago.
So you know what Elyse does 9 out of 10 trips to anywhere in my small town? I bust out the cell phone, put that mother on silent, and hold it up to my ear and have a pretend conversation. The trick is, to make it seem real, you really have to think of something that happened to you, start telling that story, and then just run with it. Really pretend that you are telling your best girlfriend how so and so the dickhead "like, totally flipped his shit the other morning and like didn't invite you to his nephew's birthday party but instead invited so and so the whorebag and she brought an inappropriate present.......... I know right?! Can you believe she bought him that???!!"
*Jaws theme song* Oh no, here comes Mr. Jones, headed right at you down the spice aisle..... "Oh hi, Elyse!" Then I do the one pinky finger wave and like kinda point to my phone "OMG you're kidding! He actually told you that?? That's disgusting." Mr. Jones gets the hint, walks away.
So if you ever see me walking around Walmart "talking on the phone," hands gesturing wildly, giggling and telling a story, yeah I'm not really on the phone. But don't be an asshole and ruin this trick for me. Just play along.
Howdy bitches. So I've eluded to this in a prior post, but since it's been like a solid year since I've blogged, I'm gunna refresh yo memories. Please tell me if I'm obscenely crazy or if this is normal:
So I live in a pretty small town where not only does everyone know your name, but everyone knows your business and who's peen you're into and how many yuenglings you consumed last Friday night and your 3 time a day pizza habit (don't judge). Especially with me, I work two jobs. I work at a bank so I have all these mostly older people that I see daily who know profesh Elyse and then I bartend a few days a week so I know all the drunkies and all that stuff. Wouldn't it be just deliciously nice if I were able to go to the grocery store or Walmart or CVS without having to run into someone I know and have a 5 minute conversation with each one? For real, sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to run into price chopper and get a goddamn frozen pizza because I get stuck having to explain who I was making out with in the parking lot at locos two weekends ago.
So you know what Elyse does 9 out of 10 trips to anywhere in my small town? I bust out the cell phone, put that mother on silent, and hold it up to my ear and have a pretend conversation. The trick is, to make it seem real, you really have to think of something that happened to you, start telling that story, and then just run with it. Really pretend that you are telling your best girlfriend how so and so the dickhead "like, totally flipped his shit the other morning and like didn't invite you to his nephew's birthday party but instead invited so and so the whorebag and she brought an inappropriate present.......... I know right?! Can you believe she bought him that???!!"
*Jaws theme song* Oh no, here comes Mr. Jones, headed right at you down the spice aisle..... "Oh hi, Elyse!" Then I do the one pinky finger wave and like kinda point to my phone "OMG you're kidding! He actually told you that?? That's disgusting." Mr. Jones gets the hint, walks away.
So if you ever see me walking around Walmart "talking on the phone," hands gesturing wildly, giggling and telling a story, yeah I'm not really on the phone. But don't be an asshole and ruin this trick for me. Just play along.
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