Howdy bitches. So I've eluded to this in a prior post, but since it's been like a solid year since I've blogged, I'm gunna refresh yo memories. Please tell me if I'm obscenely crazy or if this is normal:
So I live in a pretty small town where not only does everyone know your name, but everyone knows your business and who's peen you're into and how many yuenglings you consumed last Friday night and your 3 time a day pizza habit (don't judge). Especially with me, I work two jobs. I work at a bank so I have all these mostly older people that I see daily who know profesh Elyse and then I bartend a few days a week so I know all the drunkies and all that stuff. Wouldn't it be just deliciously nice if I were able to go to the grocery store or Walmart or CVS without having to run into someone I know and have a 5 minute conversation with each one? For real, sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to run into price chopper and get a goddamn frozen pizza because I get stuck having to explain who I was making out with in the parking lot at locos two weekends ago.
So you know what Elyse does 9 out of 10 trips to anywhere in my small town? I bust out the cell phone, put that mother on silent, and hold it up to my ear and have a pretend conversation. The trick is, to make it seem real, you really have to think of something that happened to you, start telling that story, and then just run with it. Really pretend that you are telling your best girlfriend how so and so the dickhead "like, totally flipped his shit the other morning and like didn't invite you to his nephew's birthday party but instead invited so and so the whorebag and she brought an inappropriate present.......... I know right?! Can you believe she bought him that???!!"
*Jaws theme song* Oh no, here comes Mr. Jones, headed right at you down the spice aisle..... "Oh hi, Elyse!" Then I do the one pinky finger wave and like kinda point to my phone "OMG you're kidding! He actually told you that?? That's disgusting." Mr. Jones gets the hint, walks away.
So if you ever see me walking around Walmart "talking on the phone," hands gesturing wildly, giggling and telling a story, yeah I'm not really on the phone. But don't be an asshole and ruin this trick for me. Just play along.
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