Posted by: Elyse
ya'll are going to be mad at me.... because I'm about to play a little game of "just the tip" with you. Remember how I told you my life was funny again? Well it is, and something really funny happened today. But there's this matter of confidentiality about some shit that I just can't break. So I actually can't tell you what happened that was really funny. So basically I just gave you blog blue balls. I'm super sorry and I'm wondering now if it is worse that I blogged at all teasing you about this than just leaving it be. Is it better to have blogged and teased than never have blogged at all?
Side note, just had a panic attack because the emergency testing system is on tv.... I promise I'll spit some hot funny fire at you tomorrow. Um if you're really curious and you know me and I trust you then call me or something we'll LOL.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
shark attack
Posted by: Elyse
I effing love sharks. I love shark week, I like their big mouths, I like their stealthy behavior. I just like them. I like when I logged onto facebook today, off on the side bar was an ad for this:
I effing love sharks. I love shark week, I like their big mouths, I like their stealthy behavior. I just like them. I like when I logged onto facebook today, off on the side bar was an ad for this:
Um, gimme. I don't even use knives or really do much in the kitchen besides shove a frozen pizza in the oven, but no kitchen is complete without these.
Then I went on a total googlefest looking for sweet shark accessories. You wouldn't believe the stuff that's out there.
Um, gimme. I don't even use mittens because they are a smoker's nightmare. But I would totally quit for 10 minutes to rock these shark mittens.
There's what may be compared to the plague with staplers at work. 2/3 of the entire stapler population has fallen off the face of the cheesecake. What I wouldn't give to have someone ask to borrow my stapler and I get to bust this sleek mother out.
CMON. Do they make this in Libby size?
THEY EVEN SELL SHARK BABIES. Does anyone know what the going rate for a shark baby is right now? Because if this adorable costume would help me in the future sell my potential accidental child on the internet, I think it's worth the $50.
Like, get the fuck right out of town with this. But then come back, bearing all this stuff for me. Except for the baby.
awkward encounters of the vaginal kind
Posted by: Elyse
So I'm at work last night, slinging cheesecakes. It had started to die down, there's only like 5 or so of us still serving. I see one of my tables getting sat, a gentleman and what I assume to be his lady friend. I head on over, beaming fake smile in place "Hi, my name's Elyse, I hope you're here for the calories, yadda yadda" and then the eye contact is made. Out of alllllll the 200,000+ people in Richmond, take a wild guess who gets sat in my section on a slow Thursday night.
My male gynecologist. One of the only people in Richmond who has been face to face with my vagina. In fact, ALL UP IN MY BUSINESS. I can't make this shit up. I had no idea what to do besides act natural. I mean, I had only seen him once, I dyed my hair since then, and I was full clothed. Unless I sat down on the edge of the table next to him and "scooted to the edge" spread eagle, I felt like I was safe from being recognized.
But my biggest mistake was going and sharing this hilarity with many of my coworkers. <INSERT ENDLESS VAGINA JOKES HERE> "Hey what's he gunna order, the fish tacos?" "Have you come to personally deliver my test results?" "I hope he washed his hands before he came here!"
Needless to say, I probably didn't do the proper amount of table check backs or eye contact. But damn, that $50 tip on a $35 check was worth flashing some vajayjay ;)
I'm kidding.
So I'm at work last night, slinging cheesecakes. It had started to die down, there's only like 5 or so of us still serving. I see one of my tables getting sat, a gentleman and what I assume to be his lady friend. I head on over, beaming fake smile in place "Hi, my name's Elyse, I hope you're here for the calories, yadda yadda" and then the eye contact is made. Out of alllllll the 200,000+ people in Richmond, take a wild guess who gets sat in my section on a slow Thursday night.
My male gynecologist. One of the only people in Richmond who has been face to face with my vagina. In fact, ALL UP IN MY BUSINESS. I can't make this shit up. I had no idea what to do besides act natural. I mean, I had only seen him once, I dyed my hair since then, and I was full clothed. Unless I sat down on the edge of the table next to him and "scooted to the edge" spread eagle, I felt like I was safe from being recognized.
But my biggest mistake was going and sharing this hilarity with many of my coworkers. <INSERT ENDLESS VAGINA JOKES HERE> "Hey what's he gunna order, the fish tacos?" "Have you come to personally deliver my test results?" "I hope he washed his hands before he came here!"
Needless to say, I probably didn't do the proper amount of table check backs or eye contact. But damn, that $50 tip on a $35 check was worth flashing some vajayjay ;)
I'm kidding.
Um..... yeah
Posted by: Elyse
Oh, hey. So you know my deal. When my life gets boring, I stop posting. Because that's no fun for anyone. Also, when I blog I have to use capitalization and proper punctuation and holy crap what a pain in the ass.
But I've got good news for you! My life is kind of interesting again! And by interesting I mean a trainwreck. So I suppose it's safe to start gracing you with my blog presence again. I moved to Richmond, Virginia in April where I proceeded to blow through like $10,000 I had saved up. I now live deep deep within the hood (gun shots on the reg), work at the Cheesecake Factory changing/saving lives, barely making ends meet, and making horrible life decisions! Does this kind of sound like the Elyse we know and love? Excellent.
Good things are in store for you the faithful. xoxo
Oh, hey. So you know my deal. When my life gets boring, I stop posting. Because that's no fun for anyone. Also, when I blog I have to use capitalization and proper punctuation and holy crap what a pain in the ass.
But I've got good news for you! My life is kind of interesting again! And by interesting I mean a trainwreck. So I suppose it's safe to start gracing you with my blog presence again. I moved to Richmond, Virginia in April where I proceeded to blow through like $10,000 I had saved up. I now live deep deep within the hood (gun shots on the reg), work at the Cheesecake Factory changing/saving lives, barely making ends meet, and making horrible life decisions! Does this kind of sound like the Elyse we know and love? Excellent.
Good things are in store for you the faithful. xoxo
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
animals i'd like to be
Posted by: Elyse
So I wrote a facebook status about how I'd like to be a bear because they get to eat, sleep forever and then get super skinny. And I thought of this while watching one of those wild animal shows on NatGeo that my mom used to torturously make me watch when I was a kid, but now I secretly do it voluntarily. And once my brain got racing, I realized there's like a billion animals I'd rather be than human, because so many things in the animal world that would be frowned upon in human land are A-OK.
A shark. Ok, so you have just about no natural predators so you're not really in any danger, you can legit sleep while floating around in the water, ANNNNND you are ultra super badass. If I were a shark, I'd make a point of it to feast upon the livers of all my exboyfriends, but not even eat them, just spit them back out. What do I need their livers for? I'm a shark.
A flamingo. I'd be pink. Nuff said. Also, standing like a boss all day.
An owl. Nighttime vision means acute awareness of all forest lurking rapists. Although, I guess I'd be less fearful of rapists since I wouldn't be human. So how about total social acceptability of throwing up the remants of your food after every meal? Ballsy.
An elephant. If I were an elephant, I'd never have to ped egg again. No one would care about my dry skin. and I'd smack a bitch with my trunk if she did.
A camel. First off, no one would bat an eye or make a filthy remark about the two giant humps protruding from my body. Wouldn't that be a little slice of heaven. And not that I spit that frequently, but I'd spit all over the place if I was a camel because why the hell not? Mostly on my ex boyfriends.
Lastly, I might want to give being a vulture a whirl. Because it's the ultimate in lazy..... It's like showing up to a party without bringing an appetizer, without bringing a 12 pack, and without having your own pack of cigarettes. SO UNACCEPTABLE, but the vulture is just like "lemme get some, can I have some? I'm having some anyway." (I LOLed at the picture I used for the vulture, because he totally looks like he's saying that). Which might be fun. But if I got in the habit of it, I would be careful flying over shark me. Nom, Nom, Nom........
So I wrote a facebook status about how I'd like to be a bear because they get to eat, sleep forever and then get super skinny. And I thought of this while watching one of those wild animal shows on NatGeo that my mom used to torturously make me watch when I was a kid, but now I secretly do it voluntarily. And once my brain got racing, I realized there's like a billion animals I'd rather be than human, because so many things in the animal world that would be frowned upon in human land are A-OK.
A shark. Ok, so you have just about no natural predators so you're not really in any danger, you can legit sleep while floating around in the water, ANNNNND you are ultra super badass. If I were a shark, I'd make a point of it to feast upon the livers of all my exboyfriends, but not even eat them, just spit them back out. What do I need their livers for? I'm a shark.
A flamingo. I'd be pink. Nuff said. Also, standing like a boss all day.
An owl. Nighttime vision means acute awareness of all forest lurking rapists. Although, I guess I'd be less fearful of rapists since I wouldn't be human. So how about total social acceptability of throwing up the remants of your food after every meal? Ballsy.
An elephant. If I were an elephant, I'd never have to ped egg again. No one would care about my dry skin. and I'd smack a bitch with my trunk if she did.
A camel. First off, no one would bat an eye or make a filthy remark about the two giant humps protruding from my body. Wouldn't that be a little slice of heaven. And not that I spit that frequently, but I'd spit all over the place if I was a camel because why the hell not? Mostly on my ex boyfriends.
Lastly, I might want to give being a vulture a whirl. Because it's the ultimate in lazy..... It's like showing up to a party without bringing an appetizer, without bringing a 12 pack, and without having your own pack of cigarettes. SO UNACCEPTABLE, but the vulture is just like "lemme get some, can I have some? I'm having some anyway." (I LOLed at the picture I used for the vulture, because he totally looks like he's saying that). Which might be fun. But if I got in the habit of it, I would be careful flying over shark me. Nom, Nom, Nom........
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
