Posted by: Christie
Make this your ringtone, throw it on a playlist, sing it in the shower. Whatever you do with it, it will put you in a great mood. Whenever I listen to this, I cannot help hearing Mark Wahlberg basically just trying to sing with his voice that he yells at/threatens and intimidates everyone with in all his movies, but oh well, still a classic.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Because I studied history
Posted by: Elyse
So I'm at the bar last night (duh, it was Wednesday) with this hot guy and a couple friends BECAUSE THATS'S HOW I ROLL, and after the serious pool game died down, I downed about 19 high lifes. Wait, that's not the point of this story. I peer over to my left at this kid I know, who shall remain nameless so I don't totally fucking embarass him if anybody actually reads this shit.
He's sitting at the bar, not really surrounded by anyone so that THIS FUCKING CELL PHONE is extra obvious. I was such a complete ass, but I no lie looked at him and started hysterically laughing. Then I went over to him and I was like "WHOA, dude, I didn't know we were digging up artifacts at the bar tonight!" I brutalized his ancient zack morris style cell phone for like 2 solid mins before deciding that I needed a pic of that shit.
So I was like, hang on bro, I GOTTA take a pic of this. And then what did I do to top off my complete asshole behavior? Of course I bust out my fuckin shiny, sexy and sleek touchscreen blackberry to take a picture of this missile. His phone must have felt exactly like Mr. B.A. construction worker from the other night (when i opened his corona. Remembs? Scroll back). If his cell phone had testicles, it's massive body would have sucked them back in right at that moment. Or, since it still had an antenna, I bet the antenna just like slid back inside the phone all embarassed. Hahahahhahahaha. fucking antennas.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
It's a filthy hot mess
Posted by: Chri$tie
Building off this pic, I was bumping some Ke$ha on my ipod today at the gym, I KNOW, i know, whatever. and decided that she basically just says what goes on in every girl's mind when they're drunk. And if you disagree, you're probably lying.
Here's some samples from the lyrical genius herself:
Got a water bottle full of whiskey
In my handbag.
Got my drunk text on
I'll regret it in the mornin'
But tonight
I don't give a
I don't give a
I don't give a
Now we're getting so smashed.
Knocking over trash cans.
Eurbody breakin' bottles
It's a filthy hot mess.
Gonna get faded
I'm not the designated
Driver so
I don't give a
I don't give a
I don't give a
I'm pretty sure this is a decent description of my overall college experience, my friends will probably say the same. She does mention a designated driver so, she at least is being responsible in that respect. So, while I'm not necessarily endorsing Ke$ha here, I do think she's on to something. And my girl Chelsea liked her (below), so, MEH, i'll keep jamming out to her when I want to shut my brain off and reminisce about my college days.
I tried for about 20 minutes to embed the below video, but MTV copyrights wouldn't let me, so take a minute and click the link.
Chelsea Handler Wants to Party With Best New Artist Nominee Ke$ha
Here's some samples from the lyrical genius herself:
Got a water bottle full of whiskey
In my handbag.
Got my drunk text on
I'll regret it in the mornin'
But tonight
I don't give a
I don't give a
I don't give a
Now we're getting so smashed.
Knocking over trash cans.
Eurbody breakin' bottles
It's a filthy hot mess.
Gonna get faded
I'm not the designated
Driver so
I don't give a
I don't give a
I don't give a
I'm pretty sure this is a decent description of my overall college experience, my friends will probably say the same. She does mention a designated driver so, she at least is being responsible in that respect. So, while I'm not necessarily endorsing Ke$ha here, I do think she's on to something. And my girl Chelsea liked her (below), so, MEH, i'll keep jamming out to her when I want to shut my brain off and reminisce about my college days.
I tried for about 20 minutes to embed the below video, but MTV copyrights wouldn't let me, so take a minute and click the link.
Chelsea Handler Wants to Party With Best New Artist Nominee Ke$ha
Monday, September 27, 2010
Now, go win yourself some useless stuff!
Posted by: Christie
With the Big E in town, besides there being a lot of unnecessarily fried and calorie-loaded food that you would probably never eat in a regular setting, there's also a lot of useless prizes that you can try to win while showing off your skills that are never really applicable to anything you'd ever have to do in a real life situation.
Personally, before I go into any situation I like to somewhat prepare myself by learning all the ins and outs and outcomes that could happen, while at the same time giving myself a slight edge over whatever I'm about to do. Generally, I like to use Google in helping me complete this task.
So, instead of letting my $30 a month cell phone internet access go to waste, I googled how to beat each of the games at the Big E that I decided to throw my money at on Saturday. Unfortunately, for me, my analytical mind worked against me this time and I won nothing. But, below I will attach the tips so that you readers can maybe win yourselves a useless stuffed trophy that will sit and take up room in your house for the next year until you can let go of your pride and get rid of it.
Very hard to beat, even for a good marksman. The trick is to shoot around the star, rather than trying to shoot out the star itself.
In this skill game you need to completely remove the red star using a BB gun.
Complete the circle and the center of the paper will fall away taking the red star with it.
Also note that the barrels are often bent, and their marks not accurate. Within the first few shots it's important to gauge just how far off the mark the gun shoots and adjust your aim accordingly.
Unless you very over-weight or really don't look your age, it's best to go with the birth month. Some carnies still use an old scam for guessing your birth month.
If the carny uses this trick (not all do) they will scribble down something like the image on the right. Does it say Jun, Jul, or Jan? The guesser could claim it be whichever one is closest to your birth month. That wide spread allows the carny to be within 2 months of any month, except one: October.
So if you think you are dealing with a shady operator, always say "October" is your birth month.
1. Use a very high arc, with as little spin as possible when tossing the coin. You can even try tossing the coin right up into the hanging stuffed animals above.
2. Covertly cover the coin with spit before tossing it.
3. Some people recommend purposely bouncing the coin off one plate in order to make a second bounce land on a plate safely.
The trick is to PUSH the bottle up rather than pull it up.
The bottles used in this carnival game are often made with leaded glasses making them very heavy.
The secret to winning the milk bottle throw is to aim at the base of the bottom two containers rather then at the intersection of all three bottles.
1. Accuracy is the key, be sure to hit the center of base.
2. Hold the mallet as far down the handle as possible while still achieving a firm grip.
3. Hold the mallet over your head, arms completely extended, arch your body backwards. Give a few slow motion test swings to judge how far you should stand away from the target to hit it dead-center. Using this method you will achieve the most momentum and still accurately hit the target.
The key is to use a high arc. Do not try to rebound the shot off the backboard -- the ball will always bounce too much. To win this game you must make a perfect swish, no backboard.
sauce
Now, instead of shelling out that $40 bucks plus trying to win that furry friend while trying to beat a seemingly impossible game, you'll only have to spend $35! You're welcome.
Good luck out there bitches!
With the Big E in town, besides there being a lot of unnecessarily fried and calorie-loaded food that you would probably never eat in a regular setting, there's also a lot of useless prizes that you can try to win while showing off your skills that are never really applicable to anything you'd ever have to do in a real life situation.
Personally, before I go into any situation I like to somewhat prepare myself by learning all the ins and outs and outcomes that could happen, while at the same time giving myself a slight edge over whatever I'm about to do. Generally, I like to use Google in helping me complete this task.
So, instead of letting my $30 a month cell phone internet access go to waste, I googled how to beat each of the games at the Big E that I decided to throw my money at on Saturday. Unfortunately, for me, my analytical mind worked against me this time and I won nothing. But, below I will attach the tips so that you readers can maybe win yourselves a useless stuffed trophy that will sit and take up room in your house for the next year until you can let go of your pride and get rid of it.
How To Beat Carnival Games
Tips to win a knock-off stuffed animal or dusty 2LiveCrew vanity mirror next time you're counting mullets at the fair.Ring Toss Game:
Snap your wrist as you throw the ring to achieve the most spin possible, this will stabilize the ring making it easier to land cleanly on your target.
Balloon Dart Throw:
The balloons are under-inflated, and the dart tips are dull. Forget accuracy and throw the dart as hard as you can. Most people aim for the middle, so the game operators will often hide the "good prize" tags behind balloons on the outside edges.Shoot out the Star:
Very hard to beat, even for a good marksman. The trick is to shoot around the star, rather than trying to shoot out the star itself.In this skill game you need to completely remove the red star using a BB gun.
Complete the circle and the center of the paper will fall away taking the red star with it.
Also note that the barrels are often bent, and their marks not accurate. Within the first few shots it's important to gauge just how far off the mark the gun shoots and adjust your aim accordingly.
Basket Toss:
Lean over to get as close to the basket as you are allowed. Toss the ball gently using some backspin. Aim for the inside upper lip of the basket.Guess your weight, age or birth month:
Unless you very over-weight or really don't look your age, it's best to go with the birth month. Some carnies still use an old scam for guessing your birth month. If the carny uses this trick (not all do) they will scribble down something like the image on the right. Does it say Jun, Jul, or Jan? The guesser could claim it be whichever one is closest to your birth month. That wide spread allows the carny to be within 2 months of any month, except one: October.
So if you think you are dealing with a shady operator, always say "October" is your birth month.
Coin Toss Game:
The object is to toss a coin onto a plate without the coin bouncing off. There are a few tricks to increasing the odds of winning this game:1. Use a very high arc, with as little spin as possible when tossing the coin. You can even try tossing the coin right up into the hanging stuffed animals above.
2. Covertly cover the coin with spit before tossing it.
3. Some people recommend purposely bouncing the coin off one plate in order to make a second bounce land on a plate safely.
Stand the bottle:
You are given a fishing pole with a small ring attached to the end of the line. Your goal is make a soda bottle (laying on its side) stand using this contraption.The trick is to PUSH the bottle up rather than pull it up.
Milk Bottle Throw:
The bottles used in this carnival game are often made with leaded glasses making them very heavy.
The secret to winning the milk bottle throw is to aim at the base of the bottom two containers rather then at the intersection of all three bottles.
Test Your Strength:
The goal is to whack the base of this game with a mallet causing a weight shoot up and ring a bell. The trick is all in accuracy and technique rather than strength. A few tips:1. Accuracy is the key, be sure to hit the center of base.
2. Hold the mallet as far down the handle as possible while still achieving a firm grip.
3. Hold the mallet over your head, arms completely extended, arch your body backwards. Give a few slow motion test swings to judge how far you should stand away from the target to hit it dead-center. Using this method you will achieve the most momentum and still accurately hit the target.
Basketball Free-Throw:
You have a lot going against you in this game. The ball is over-inflated, the hoop is smaller than regulation size and often an oval shape rather than circular. The backboard is plywood making it extra bouncy. So forget about throwing a normal free-throw shot.The key is to use a high arc. Do not try to rebound the shot off the backboard -- the ball will always bounce too much. To win this game you must make a perfect swish, no backboard.
sauce
Now, instead of shelling out that $40 bucks plus trying to win that furry friend while trying to beat a seemingly impossible game, you'll only have to spend $35! You're welcome.
Good luck out there bitches!
I am more of a man than you.
Posted by: Elyse
Nothing gets my engine revving more than when some creepy perv Mcgee is trying to flirt with me and I get to put him in his place in a super cool, nonchalant way. So I started my second job tonight, which is working the front desk at a hotel in town.
Apparently for the next 4 months, we're like half booked with railroad and regular construction worker dudes. They all roll in tonight to check in, acting like BAMF's (bad ass motherfuckers, from when dane cook was still funny), telling me I'm gorgeous and when I fail at anything since it's my first night I'm just like... ommmggg giggle giggle its my first night! and they eat it up.
so toward the end of my shift, one of the biggest baddest of all the constructies comes over to his buds who are watching football in the lobby, eating their 92" sandwiches and drinking beer, and talking about how they wanna bone me like I can't hear. He walks up to the desk with his corona and says "Hey there sweetheart, you got a bottle opener back there?" I'm like, umm I don't think so, but I have a lighter? And I busted it out of my pocket and give it to him. I then get to watch him fumble with it like an idiot, chipping off the end of my lighter and not having any success. So I make this face at him
and say "Ok, give me that, I went to college." and, like fucking MAGIC, because I swear, I can NEEEEVVVVVER successfully open a beer bottle with a lighter the first try, I pop that sucker off like I've been doing it straight out the womb. GODDAMN I looked like such a hotshot. and mr. badass construction worker had to tuck his tail between his beefy thighs and shuffle back over to his friends who were all giggling and now think I'm even hotter.
NIGHT ONE AT JOB #2= GREAT SUCCESS!
Nothing gets my engine revving more than when some creepy perv Mcgee is trying to flirt with me and I get to put him in his place in a super cool, nonchalant way. So I started my second job tonight, which is working the front desk at a hotel in town.
Apparently for the next 4 months, we're like half booked with railroad and regular construction worker dudes. They all roll in tonight to check in, acting like BAMF's (bad ass motherfuckers, from when dane cook was still funny), telling me I'm gorgeous and when I fail at anything since it's my first night I'm just like... ommmggg giggle giggle its my first night! and they eat it up.
so toward the end of my shift, one of the biggest baddest of all the constructies comes over to his buds who are watching football in the lobby, eating their 92" sandwiches and drinking beer, and talking about how they wanna bone me like I can't hear. He walks up to the desk with his corona and says "Hey there sweetheart, you got a bottle opener back there?" I'm like, umm I don't think so, but I have a lighter? And I busted it out of my pocket and give it to him. I then get to watch him fumble with it like an idiot, chipping off the end of my lighter and not having any success. So I make this face at him
and say "Ok, give me that, I went to college." and, like fucking MAGIC, because I swear, I can NEEEEVVVVVER successfully open a beer bottle with a lighter the first try, I pop that sucker off like I've been doing it straight out the womb. GODDAMN I looked like such a hotshot. and mr. badass construction worker had to tuck his tail between his beefy thighs and shuffle back over to his friends who were all giggling and now think I'm even hotter.
NIGHT ONE AT JOB #2= GREAT SUCCESS!
in preparation for halloween.......
Posted by: Elyse
I let this here werewolf bend me over and give it to me wolfy style. Let me tell you, if I ever wasn't officially decided on who I love more, I am sooooooo Team Edward. Mr. Werewolf was so non romantic and selfish in bed. Might I add that this was taken at my 5 year old nephew's birthday party. woops.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
This is a nostalgia post.
Posted by: Christie
Since Elyse has been complaining of shoulder pain from carrying the blog on her back the past week, I've decided to finally post.
I have a degree in history, which means, besides from having little to no potential job prospects, I tend to enjoy lots of different things from the past.
This post however, luckily for you has nothing to do with any actual history topics per say, but is more so a nostalgic post.
It's a really good thing the camera was invented before I was born so that I/we can look back on all the cool shit I made my parents waste their money on for me.
sauce
Since Elyse has been complaining of shoulder pain from carrying the blog on her back the past week, I've decided to finally post.
I have a degree in history, which means, besides from having little to no potential job prospects, I tend to enjoy lots of different things from the past.
This post however, luckily for you has nothing to do with any actual history topics per say, but is more so a nostalgic post.
It's a really good thing the camera was invented before I was born so that I/we can look back on all the cool shit I made my parents waste their money on for me.
I could keep going/making you scroll for days but that will be all for now. Hope you enjoyed this blast from the past. If any of these things don't look familiar to you just consider yourself as having a less than mediocre childhood and try to make up for it by living vicariously through your next child. Feel free to use this post as a template of awesome things to show your child as they grow up.
sauce
Saturday, September 25, 2010
wow.
Posted by: Elyse
I just feel so much better about myself when I eat a nutritious, healthy meal. and then lay in my bed literally ALL DAY LONG.
sad face.
Posted by: Elyse
Why do I feel the need to tell you guys the most embarrassing stuff about myself? I hope you assholes appreciate this. So the other night, I'm sitting in my room, probably skyping with my one skype friend (the co-author of this blog), giggling out loud and my mom rolls up to my room. We chat some idle chatting, I tell her I'm blogging but she can never read it because it would make her disappointed, you know, the usual.
Then she walks away and I think I'm off the hook, but she comes back and she's like "Oh and hey, Elyse..." I'm like ohhhh crap did I throw a cigarette butt on the lawn instead of in my designated empty vegetable cans???? Honestly, I would have preferred that lecture 10 to one. She's like......
"Have you thought about maybe joining one of those internet dating sites? Because I've heard....."
MOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOMMMMMM! OMFGGGGGGGG. Like come, on, I'm pretty hot and when I get drunk and social I have a stellar personality. Just because I tend to date cheating a-holes and ultra badasses who end up screwing me over doesn't mean I'm incapable of finding a real life, non internet man. Not knocking anyone who's tried the ole daternet, but there's NO way in hell that I could ever bring a guy home to meet my friends or family and have them be like awwww so how'd you meet?
ummm....... on the internet. Fail. Thanks mom.
Why do I feel the need to tell you guys the most embarrassing stuff about myself? I hope you assholes appreciate this. So the other night, I'm sitting in my room, probably skyping with my one skype friend (the co-author of this blog), giggling out loud and my mom rolls up to my room. We chat some idle chatting, I tell her I'm blogging but she can never read it because it would make her disappointed, you know, the usual.
Then she walks away and I think I'm off the hook, but she comes back and she's like "Oh and hey, Elyse..." I'm like ohhhh crap did I throw a cigarette butt on the lawn instead of in my designated empty vegetable cans???? Honestly, I would have preferred that lecture 10 to one. She's like......
"Have you thought about maybe joining one of those internet dating sites? Because I've heard....."
MOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOMMMMMM! OMFGGGGGGGG. Like come, on, I'm pretty hot and when I get drunk and social I have a stellar personality. Just because I tend to date cheating a-holes and ultra badasses who end up screwing me over doesn't mean I'm incapable of finding a real life, non internet man. Not knocking anyone who's tried the ole daternet, but there's NO way in hell that I could ever bring a guy home to meet my friends or family and have them be like awwww so how'd you meet?
ummm....... on the internet. Fail. Thanks mom.
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