makin abe proud.

Posted by: Elyse

tis a scary world we live in

Posted by: Elyse

I really didn't even wanna mention this, because my fiery hatred for everything lady gaga usually prohibits me from talking about her and giving her the publicity she so desperately craves, but..... seriously with the fucking egg?  I really almost vomited.  Like, who the fuck is this weirdo.  That is not artsy, or creative, or innovative, it's just goddamn stupid.  She looks like such a fool ALL THE TIME.  I know I'm gunna alienate some of my own fans with this one, but cut the bologna with this garbage.  She thinks she's sooooo different because she strolls around wearing like extraterrestrial uterine lining pants and dances like shes having a seizure.

And if I hear one more person say that she's gunna be around as long as Madonna, then that is it.  It's bad enough staring at Madonna's 60 year old terrifying man arms, I'm gunna have to stare at that pseudo-penis that gaga has tucked back that flopped out on stage once? WHEN SHE'S 60????  Hell no.  If this is the state of music and music to come, then I'm telling you, the SECOND they declare Mars inhabitable, I am on the first rocket ship farthest away from Lady Gaga.  And although she'll probably by flying a rocket ship around like its some new trendy car by then, the only people that are allowed to come to Mars with me are Sebastian Bach and the Acacia Strain.  End scene.

didn't i promise 2011 was the year of the blog?

Posted by: Elyse


Yeah well, I lied.  I can never remember to and when I do think of something crafty to blog about, I don't write it down on a post it and then I forget what I wanted to blog about.

But this fine evening, I ran into my buddy Stefan (of course while I was buying like 9 million tampons.  Why does that always happen?) and the best part is that I've met him probably only like 2 or 3 times but he and his wonderful lady are avid readers of hardcore hugz.  Like, that is how they know me mostly.  Through my embarassing, ridiculous rants on this blog.  So I feel bad for my like, 5 readers when I don't blog.

While rubbing my ego and giving me an ego boner about how funny I am, he suggested that I do stand up!  I was like noooo way I wouldn't know what to do with myself!  Like, stand up comedians pre-write funny things, don't they?  I could never do that.  My stand up would work like this.  I'd get on stage, get on the mic, and be like hey guys so what do you wanna talk about.  No wait, back up the soul train.  I'd power down a 12-er of high life and THEN get on stage.  And then power down more.   And then I'd feel really awkward because I can't be funny unless I sit down in front of my laptop for about 90 years and rewrite every sentence 3 times.  But you know what, the right amount of high life makes most things inspirational.  I'm willing to give it a whirl, but not willing to put any effort into it.  Someone book me a show somewhere, buy me high life, and bring every person you know.  Let's do this.

and this man is not my husband why?

Posted by: Elyse



Here's to get all you rowdy Pats fans out there excited about tomorrow.  No one does it classier than Mr. Wesley and my Pats.  Filthy 90 chinned Rex Ryan can flap his turkey gobbler all he wants, but no matter how much hot fire he THINKS he's spitting out of his mouth, there is no doubt in the world that the Pats do it better.  We don't need to talk shit and run our mouths.  We just give super sneaky press conferences where my gorgeous hunk of nugget meat makes 10 sly jabs at Rex's filthy foot fetish.

Let's analyze.  Well of COURSE Rex Ryan wants his wife's feet in his mouth.  He probably missed his midnight dinner that night and was still hungry after 12pm dinner, 3pm dinner, 6pm dinner and 9pm dinner.  He was like OMG, wife, your toes they look like little cocktail weiners and I need them in my stom-adhfaiuegnajeghauigheage (noises of his filthy consumption).  This man disgusts me with his poor sportsmanship, his bad examples, and to be perfectly honest I'm surprised he wants to talk as much shit as he does.  I mean.... how outlandish does it seem that something would actually be coming OUT of his mouth, so much in the opposite direction of the 400 lbs of ground bacon that he consumes daily.

So don't worry pats, I just did your shit talking for you. And extra mega props to Wes for real for keeping a straight face during that press conference. GO PATS!

hola

Posted by: Elyse

hey hey hey how's my best readers?!  I'm wicked sorry I havent blogged in like 2 months but there's a really good reason for that, and any of you faithful readers are gunna love it.  It's because I now look like that guy, up there, which also happens to be christie's favorite smiley face ever.

GUESS who I finally lured into boyfriendom?  Guess.  You're never gunna guess.  Oh, did you guess black truck driving, deep voiced, tall dark and gorgeous crush from the bank?  Then you win a 12 pack of high lifes bc you're damn straight i landed that.  So i'm sorry but I'm like... busy. having sex with my dream man and like respecting my liver's will to live.  I'm all new leafed and stuff.  But maybe i'll come back and blog now. I'm trying twitter again. annnnd i'm rambling. i'm sorry. but i'm back.

Things that are true.

Posted by: Christie

another excuse for dance parties

Posted by: Christie




Here's what I'll be needing for Christmas. Accessories to go with this gift include a Wii and a room full of professional dancing friends. Still awesome nonetheless.

these halls aren't going to deck themselves

Posted by: Christie

Ah,  Decemeber eve.  This is one of my favorite months of the year, and it means it's finally time to enjoy every Christmas song I can find over the next 25 days.  I usually listen while I'm painstakingly trying to decide which marketing ploys have been most effective on me and splurging on commercialism.  Below I've included the links to download some of the best Christmas albums around.  Enjoy.

Mariah Carey-Merry Christmas

N*Sync-Home for Christmas

Home Alone 2- Original Soundtrack

Destiny's Child-8 Days of Christmas

Vince Guaraldi-A Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack

Alvin & the Chipmunks-The Chipmunks Greatest Christmas Hits

By the way, these are all zip files so here's a link to download the software to unzip them if you need it: Win RAR


Next up: Favorite holiday movies.  Stay tuned.

why THANK you, Urban dictionary!

Posted by: Elyse

in case you can't read that, here's the link because I want you all to read that.  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=elyse
I s to g that I did not write this myself, but can I just say, Urban dictionary knows what the fuck is up.  My friend was just looking up a bunch of our friends' names on it, and I was like ooo do me! and I seriously can't believe how dead on these definitions are.  I don't want to give myself a complex, but I'm kinda thinking that someone I know with a secret crush on me must have put at least one of those up there.  "Zany, spaztic.... knows how to hold her liquor?"  If that didn't convince, perhaps this will.  "Also, her breasts are often compared to the size of huge grapefruits and with the curves men dream of."  MY BOOBS ARE ENORMOUS! This is uncanny, and a little creepy.

Come on, secret admirer, fess up and save us this awkwardness so we can get nekkid.

i can't talk to boys anymore

Posted by: Elyse

 I have a serious problem.  I like, CAN'T talk to attractive men anymore.  I freeze up and drool or get all red and silly....  When did this happen??? Maybe the high life gives me balls but I can't remember a time when I got too shy to talk to a dude.

You guys remember tall handsome deep voiced bank man who told me I was like his mom?  Yeah well I'm still pining away after him, but now I have the entire staff at the bank plotting with me on how I'm going to get him to fall in love with me.  Anyway, a Christmas miracle occurred and he left his debit card AGAIN so I called him all cutesy and left him a message that we had it and to come pick it up.  So of course, out of the 7 hours that the bank is open, he comes in while i'm downstairs peeing.  My manager RUNS to come get me, and I come upstairs with my best do me eyes and I'm like oh let me get your debit card for you.  So after I hand it to him, he stands in front of my window talking to my coworker, and I"m just like dumbfoundedly staring at him and his hotness.  And I can't say ANYTHING.  I can't enter myself into the conversation at all. Just stand there, dumb looking, and I caught myself doing that awkward ear to ear grin that you can't stop yourself from doing when your mind is like "OMG LOOK AT THIS HOT GUY THAT YOU LOVE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU."  So now he just thinks I'm smiling like an idiot for no reason.  yeah. Then he left. 

And then today, I hit up the mini Rotterdam mall so I can get some adorable heels for work, and I'm slumming it in yesterday's makeup and my greasy hair.  But I'm reppin the Acacia Strain hard (as usual), rocking their hoodie, strolling through the mall.  Suddenly, like an angel from hardcore heaven, I see this gorgeous super scene man with his ears stretched and a baseball hat on, and a band tee and tons of tats and he's SOOOO HOTTTTT.  And he walks by me and points at my sweatshirt and goes  "I like your hoodie."  What does Elyse do? fucking nothing.  I'm fumbling over my words, trying so hard to get something, ANYthing out, that I say nothing and keep walking.  My ideal man, who clearly loves good music, just acknowledged my love of good music and I can't formulate words.  What is wrong with me????

I can't even make this shit up, seriously guys.  How the hell do I re-learn to talk to attractive men?  Because I can't go through my life constantly intoxicated (at which point I have NO problem talking to anyone. I'd probably talk to a squirrel carcus in the road, for real).  I need some go to one line answers that I practice on the reg so I am prepared for these situations.  I'm just gunna say over and over in my head "thank you, they rock balls" and hope that next time I habitually spit that line out, it's not in response to some hot guy saying "Hey, you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe."