Posted by: Elyse
I love how I judge people and especially how I judge super slutty people until I realize that a lot of the stuff I do may possibly fall into the slutty people category. I'm absorbing my hangover the other day, laying in my bed with piles of pizza on top of me, and I got sucked into several hours of "Buckwild" on demand, MTV's newest foray into the stupidity of whorish/negative braincell inbreds from west virginia. It's like jersey shore, only with potato guns and lifted trucks. These skanks wander about with body paint and sleep from dude to dude from their same clique of friends and slug back the bud lights midday while only being 20....
And I'm like, wow what a buncha whores (said in a Mass accent). But like..... we've all been there. We've all done worse. Except how come when I do it it's hilarious? When I wake up at a dude's house having slept through my alarm and can't find my favorite slutty pair of underwear, it's funny. When my friends are awake in the living room of a hotel room and are kept up by my sex noises, it's funny. If my life was on display for America to see, would it be so funny? Would America laugh as my friends laugh and say "Ohhhhhh, Elyse, you're silly in a whorish way but we think these stories are funny and it just adds to your winning personality." Or would America be like "Wow. Look at that skank. And she's 28, a little too old to know better. Shouldn't she be shopping for sparkly diamonds and having babies and not waiting tables for a living?"
In conclusion, this post has no point except to let y'all know that no, I have not grown up and yes, I still watch MTV, and no, you cannot judge me because my life is fun dammit. Carry on.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
don't hate!
Posted by: Elyse
ya'll are going to be mad at me.... because I'm about to play a little game of "just the tip" with you. Remember how I told you my life was funny again? Well it is, and something really funny happened today. But there's this matter of confidentiality about some shit that I just can't break. So I actually can't tell you what happened that was really funny. So basically I just gave you blog blue balls. I'm super sorry and I'm wondering now if it is worse that I blogged at all teasing you about this than just leaving it be. Is it better to have blogged and teased than never have blogged at all?
Side note, just had a panic attack because the emergency testing system is on tv.... I promise I'll spit some hot funny fire at you tomorrow. Um if you're really curious and you know me and I trust you then call me or something we'll LOL.
ya'll are going to be mad at me.... because I'm about to play a little game of "just the tip" with you. Remember how I told you my life was funny again? Well it is, and something really funny happened today. But there's this matter of confidentiality about some shit that I just can't break. So I actually can't tell you what happened that was really funny. So basically I just gave you blog blue balls. I'm super sorry and I'm wondering now if it is worse that I blogged at all teasing you about this than just leaving it be. Is it better to have blogged and teased than never have blogged at all?
Side note, just had a panic attack because the emergency testing system is on tv.... I promise I'll spit some hot funny fire at you tomorrow. Um if you're really curious and you know me and I trust you then call me or something we'll LOL.
Friday, November 9, 2012
shark attack
Posted by: Elyse
I effing love sharks. I love shark week, I like their big mouths, I like their stealthy behavior. I just like them. I like when I logged onto facebook today, off on the side bar was an ad for this:
I effing love sharks. I love shark week, I like their big mouths, I like their stealthy behavior. I just like them. I like when I logged onto facebook today, off on the side bar was an ad for this:
Um, gimme. I don't even use knives or really do much in the kitchen besides shove a frozen pizza in the oven, but no kitchen is complete without these.
Then I went on a total googlefest looking for sweet shark accessories. You wouldn't believe the stuff that's out there.
Um, gimme. I don't even use mittens because they are a smoker's nightmare. But I would totally quit for 10 minutes to rock these shark mittens.
There's what may be compared to the plague with staplers at work. 2/3 of the entire stapler population has fallen off the face of the cheesecake. What I wouldn't give to have someone ask to borrow my stapler and I get to bust this sleek mother out.
CMON. Do they make this in Libby size?
THEY EVEN SELL SHARK BABIES. Does anyone know what the going rate for a shark baby is right now? Because if this adorable costume would help me in the future sell my potential accidental child on the internet, I think it's worth the $50.
Like, get the fuck right out of town with this. But then come back, bearing all this stuff for me. Except for the baby.
awkward encounters of the vaginal kind
Posted by: Elyse
So I'm at work last night, slinging cheesecakes. It had started to die down, there's only like 5 or so of us still serving. I see one of my tables getting sat, a gentleman and what I assume to be his lady friend. I head on over, beaming fake smile in place "Hi, my name's Elyse, I hope you're here for the calories, yadda yadda" and then the eye contact is made. Out of alllllll the 200,000+ people in Richmond, take a wild guess who gets sat in my section on a slow Thursday night.
My male gynecologist. One of the only people in Richmond who has been face to face with my vagina. In fact, ALL UP IN MY BUSINESS. I can't make this shit up. I had no idea what to do besides act natural. I mean, I had only seen him once, I dyed my hair since then, and I was full clothed. Unless I sat down on the edge of the table next to him and "scooted to the edge" spread eagle, I felt like I was safe from being recognized.
But my biggest mistake was going and sharing this hilarity with many of my coworkers. <INSERT ENDLESS VAGINA JOKES HERE> "Hey what's he gunna order, the fish tacos?" "Have you come to personally deliver my test results?" "I hope he washed his hands before he came here!"
Needless to say, I probably didn't do the proper amount of table check backs or eye contact. But damn, that $50 tip on a $35 check was worth flashing some vajayjay ;)
I'm kidding.
So I'm at work last night, slinging cheesecakes. It had started to die down, there's only like 5 or so of us still serving. I see one of my tables getting sat, a gentleman and what I assume to be his lady friend. I head on over, beaming fake smile in place "Hi, my name's Elyse, I hope you're here for the calories, yadda yadda" and then the eye contact is made. Out of alllllll the 200,000+ people in Richmond, take a wild guess who gets sat in my section on a slow Thursday night.
My male gynecologist. One of the only people in Richmond who has been face to face with my vagina. In fact, ALL UP IN MY BUSINESS. I can't make this shit up. I had no idea what to do besides act natural. I mean, I had only seen him once, I dyed my hair since then, and I was full clothed. Unless I sat down on the edge of the table next to him and "scooted to the edge" spread eagle, I felt like I was safe from being recognized.
But my biggest mistake was going and sharing this hilarity with many of my coworkers. <INSERT ENDLESS VAGINA JOKES HERE> "Hey what's he gunna order, the fish tacos?" "Have you come to personally deliver my test results?" "I hope he washed his hands before he came here!"
Needless to say, I probably didn't do the proper amount of table check backs or eye contact. But damn, that $50 tip on a $35 check was worth flashing some vajayjay ;)
I'm kidding.
Um..... yeah
Posted by: Elyse
Oh, hey. So you know my deal. When my life gets boring, I stop posting. Because that's no fun for anyone. Also, when I blog I have to use capitalization and proper punctuation and holy crap what a pain in the ass.
But I've got good news for you! My life is kind of interesting again! And by interesting I mean a trainwreck. So I suppose it's safe to start gracing you with my blog presence again. I moved to Richmond, Virginia in April where I proceeded to blow through like $10,000 I had saved up. I now live deep deep within the hood (gun shots on the reg), work at the Cheesecake Factory changing/saving lives, barely making ends meet, and making horrible life decisions! Does this kind of sound like the Elyse we know and love? Excellent.
Good things are in store for you the faithful. xoxo
Oh, hey. So you know my deal. When my life gets boring, I stop posting. Because that's no fun for anyone. Also, when I blog I have to use capitalization and proper punctuation and holy crap what a pain in the ass.
But I've got good news for you! My life is kind of interesting again! And by interesting I mean a trainwreck. So I suppose it's safe to start gracing you with my blog presence again. I moved to Richmond, Virginia in April where I proceeded to blow through like $10,000 I had saved up. I now live deep deep within the hood (gun shots on the reg), work at the Cheesecake Factory changing/saving lives, barely making ends meet, and making horrible life decisions! Does this kind of sound like the Elyse we know and love? Excellent.
Good things are in store for you the faithful. xoxo
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
animals i'd like to be
Posted by: Elyse
So I wrote a facebook status about how I'd like to be a bear because they get to eat, sleep forever and then get super skinny. And I thought of this while watching one of those wild animal shows on NatGeo that my mom used to torturously make me watch when I was a kid, but now I secretly do it voluntarily. And once my brain got racing, I realized there's like a billion animals I'd rather be than human, because so many things in the animal world that would be frowned upon in human land are A-OK.
A shark. Ok, so you have just about no natural predators so you're not really in any danger, you can legit sleep while floating around in the water, ANNNNND you are ultra super badass. If I were a shark, I'd make a point of it to feast upon the livers of all my exboyfriends, but not even eat them, just spit them back out. What do I need their livers for? I'm a shark.
A flamingo. I'd be pink. Nuff said. Also, standing like a boss all day.
An owl. Nighttime vision means acute awareness of all forest lurking rapists. Although, I guess I'd be less fearful of rapists since I wouldn't be human. So how about total social acceptability of throwing up the remants of your food after every meal? Ballsy.
An elephant. If I were an elephant, I'd never have to ped egg again. No one would care about my dry skin. and I'd smack a bitch with my trunk if she did.
A camel. First off, no one would bat an eye or make a filthy remark about the two giant humps protruding from my body. Wouldn't that be a little slice of heaven. And not that I spit that frequently, but I'd spit all over the place if I was a camel because why the hell not? Mostly on my ex boyfriends.
Lastly, I might want to give being a vulture a whirl. Because it's the ultimate in lazy..... It's like showing up to a party without bringing an appetizer, without bringing a 12 pack, and without having your own pack of cigarettes. SO UNACCEPTABLE, but the vulture is just like "lemme get some, can I have some? I'm having some anyway." (I LOLed at the picture I used for the vulture, because he totally looks like he's saying that). Which might be fun. But if I got in the habit of it, I would be careful flying over shark me. Nom, Nom, Nom........
So I wrote a facebook status about how I'd like to be a bear because they get to eat, sleep forever and then get super skinny. And I thought of this while watching one of those wild animal shows on NatGeo that my mom used to torturously make me watch when I was a kid, but now I secretly do it voluntarily. And once my brain got racing, I realized there's like a billion animals I'd rather be than human, because so many things in the animal world that would be frowned upon in human land are A-OK.
A shark. Ok, so you have just about no natural predators so you're not really in any danger, you can legit sleep while floating around in the water, ANNNNND you are ultra super badass. If I were a shark, I'd make a point of it to feast upon the livers of all my exboyfriends, but not even eat them, just spit them back out. What do I need their livers for? I'm a shark.
A flamingo. I'd be pink. Nuff said. Also, standing like a boss all day.
An owl. Nighttime vision means acute awareness of all forest lurking rapists. Although, I guess I'd be less fearful of rapists since I wouldn't be human. So how about total social acceptability of throwing up the remants of your food after every meal? Ballsy.
An elephant. If I were an elephant, I'd never have to ped egg again. No one would care about my dry skin. and I'd smack a bitch with my trunk if she did.
A camel. First off, no one would bat an eye or make a filthy remark about the two giant humps protruding from my body. Wouldn't that be a little slice of heaven. And not that I spit that frequently, but I'd spit all over the place if I was a camel because why the hell not? Mostly on my ex boyfriends.
Lastly, I might want to give being a vulture a whirl. Because it's the ultimate in lazy..... It's like showing up to a party without bringing an appetizer, without bringing a 12 pack, and without having your own pack of cigarettes. SO UNACCEPTABLE, but the vulture is just like "lemme get some, can I have some? I'm having some anyway." (I LOLed at the picture I used for the vulture, because he totally looks like he's saying that). Which might be fun. But if I got in the habit of it, I would be careful flying over shark me. Nom, Nom, Nom........
Monday, November 28, 2011
ummm excuse me?
Posted by: Elyse
Someone get me this! NOW! but like do it on the sly, because I really love my dad and I don't want him to disown me or kick me out of the family for so badly coveting thy AFC East divisional rival's quarterback. Get it delivered to my PO Box in discreet packaging, like when you order sex toys or dirty dvds. Then text me the exact location of Ryan Fitzpatrick and his actual beard, but do it several days ahead of time because I need to shave my legs and I'm wicked lazy. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR BLOG READERS?????
I'll never get old and this is why
Posted by: Elyse
Why. Just.... fuckin.... why? I know when you get old your hearing goes and your eyesight slips away and sometimes even your mental capacity. But does your sense of smell go away? Because how many old peeps can you name right now without even blinking that you KNOW wreak of moth balls and OLD LADY PERFUME. Seriously, how can you not know that you smell like a moth ball? Maybe that's where the two scents go hand in hand. Instead of disposing of the moth balls and washing their clothes, they just pile on the old lady perfume.
And I'm desperate to know... at what age does Elizabeth Taylor's "White Diamonds" start smelling delicious?? Is there a certain cutoff? Like on your 65th birthday, you just go to the store and resign and say "my oh my that White Diamonds smells like Jesus urine. I should dump a whole bunch on me before I go anywhere." And perhaps it's the feeble old lady hands, and they think they've only sprayed once, but correct me if I'm wrong in saying that I don't think I've ever smelled old lady perfume in gentle quantities. I would rather smell a meathead who drank his Axe body spray and is now sweating it out of his pores than grandma, who washes her sheets in any fragrance made by a now 90 year old movie star.
Why. Just.... fuckin.... why? I know when you get old your hearing goes and your eyesight slips away and sometimes even your mental capacity. But does your sense of smell go away? Because how many old peeps can you name right now without even blinking that you KNOW wreak of moth balls and OLD LADY PERFUME. Seriously, how can you not know that you smell like a moth ball? Maybe that's where the two scents go hand in hand. Instead of disposing of the moth balls and washing their clothes, they just pile on the old lady perfume.
And I'm desperate to know... at what age does Elizabeth Taylor's "White Diamonds" start smelling delicious?? Is there a certain cutoff? Like on your 65th birthday, you just go to the store and resign and say "my oh my that White Diamonds smells like Jesus urine. I should dump a whole bunch on me before I go anywhere." And perhaps it's the feeble old lady hands, and they think they've only sprayed once, but correct me if I'm wrong in saying that I don't think I've ever smelled old lady perfume in gentle quantities. I would rather smell a meathead who drank his Axe body spray and is now sweating it out of his pores than grandma, who washes her sheets in any fragrance made by a now 90 year old movie star.
idk lol w me?!
Posted by: Elyse
Howdy bitches. So I've eluded to this in a prior post, but since it's been like a solid year since I've blogged, I'm gunna refresh yo memories. Please tell me if I'm obscenely crazy or if this is normal:
So I live in a pretty small town where not only does everyone know your name, but everyone knows your business and who's peen you're into and how many yuenglings you consumed last Friday night and your 3 time a day pizza habit (don't judge). Especially with me, I work two jobs. I work at a bank so I have all these mostly older people that I see daily who know profesh Elyse and then I bartend a few days a week so I know all the drunkies and all that stuff. Wouldn't it be just deliciously nice if I were able to go to the grocery store or Walmart or CVS without having to run into someone I know and have a 5 minute conversation with each one? For real, sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to run into price chopper and get a goddamn frozen pizza because I get stuck having to explain who I was making out with in the parking lot at locos two weekends ago.
So you know what Elyse does 9 out of 10 trips to anywhere in my small town? I bust out the cell phone, put that mother on silent, and hold it up to my ear and have a pretend conversation. The trick is, to make it seem real, you really have to think of something that happened to you, start telling that story, and then just run with it. Really pretend that you are telling your best girlfriend how so and so the dickhead "like, totally flipped his shit the other morning and like didn't invite you to his nephew's birthday party but instead invited so and so the whorebag and she brought an inappropriate present.......... I know right?! Can you believe she bought him that???!!"
*Jaws theme song* Oh no, here comes Mr. Jones, headed right at you down the spice aisle..... "Oh hi, Elyse!" Then I do the one pinky finger wave and like kinda point to my phone "OMG you're kidding! He actually told you that?? That's disgusting." Mr. Jones gets the hint, walks away.
So if you ever see me walking around Walmart "talking on the phone," hands gesturing wildly, giggling and telling a story, yeah I'm not really on the phone. But don't be an asshole and ruin this trick for me. Just play along.
Howdy bitches. So I've eluded to this in a prior post, but since it's been like a solid year since I've blogged, I'm gunna refresh yo memories. Please tell me if I'm obscenely crazy or if this is normal:
So I live in a pretty small town where not only does everyone know your name, but everyone knows your business and who's peen you're into and how many yuenglings you consumed last Friday night and your 3 time a day pizza habit (don't judge). Especially with me, I work two jobs. I work at a bank so I have all these mostly older people that I see daily who know profesh Elyse and then I bartend a few days a week so I know all the drunkies and all that stuff. Wouldn't it be just deliciously nice if I were able to go to the grocery store or Walmart or CVS without having to run into someone I know and have a 5 minute conversation with each one? For real, sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to run into price chopper and get a goddamn frozen pizza because I get stuck having to explain who I was making out with in the parking lot at locos two weekends ago.
So you know what Elyse does 9 out of 10 trips to anywhere in my small town? I bust out the cell phone, put that mother on silent, and hold it up to my ear and have a pretend conversation. The trick is, to make it seem real, you really have to think of something that happened to you, start telling that story, and then just run with it. Really pretend that you are telling your best girlfriend how so and so the dickhead "like, totally flipped his shit the other morning and like didn't invite you to his nephew's birthday party but instead invited so and so the whorebag and she brought an inappropriate present.......... I know right?! Can you believe she bought him that???!!"
*Jaws theme song* Oh no, here comes Mr. Jones, headed right at you down the spice aisle..... "Oh hi, Elyse!" Then I do the one pinky finger wave and like kinda point to my phone "OMG you're kidding! He actually told you that?? That's disgusting." Mr. Jones gets the hint, walks away.
So if you ever see me walking around Walmart "talking on the phone," hands gesturing wildly, giggling and telling a story, yeah I'm not really on the phone. But don't be an asshole and ruin this trick for me. Just play along.
Friday, August 5, 2011
today i don't feel like listening to you bitch about how you don't feel like doing anything
Posted by: Elyse
I'm wicked sorry if by doing this I get this heinous song stuck in your head, but..... for the love of god. I haven't blogged in months and music has just kept progressing straight down hill. I'm about ready to board my rocketship with Seb Bach and the Acacia Strain now. Someone call Florida and set that shit up for me.
Look, Bruno.... if that really is your name..... I feel ya on what you're saying. I do. There's days where I just do not want to crawl out from under my hangover and put on my fancy pants and go to work. And if that day ever occurs, I usually sleep for about 35% of it, eat a ton of terribly horribly bad for me greasy snacks for 28% of it, watch 90210 reruns and end up googling old Luke Perry pictures for 45% of it..... i think that equals over 100% but whatever. Point being, I am so embarrassed for wasting a day and becoming a giant fat sloth that I don't tell anyone about it. I pretend I went to Walmart at least and picked up some qtips or something. I don't write a goddamn song about it. You are the laziest son of a bitch on the planet. How's that, Bruno? What happens when 500 preteens buy tickets to your concert but you wake up that day and you're like "today i don't feel like doing annnny-thing." See who sings along then.
PS. HI GUYS!!!!!!! MISS ME?!??!?!?!
I'm wicked sorry if by doing this I get this heinous song stuck in your head, but..... for the love of god. I haven't blogged in months and music has just kept progressing straight down hill. I'm about ready to board my rocketship with Seb Bach and the Acacia Strain now. Someone call Florida and set that shit up for me.
Look, Bruno.... if that really is your name..... I feel ya on what you're saying. I do. There's days where I just do not want to crawl out from under my hangover and put on my fancy pants and go to work. And if that day ever occurs, I usually sleep for about 35% of it, eat a ton of terribly horribly bad for me greasy snacks for 28% of it, watch 90210 reruns and end up googling old Luke Perry pictures for 45% of it..... i think that equals over 100% but whatever. Point being, I am so embarrassed for wasting a day and becoming a giant fat sloth that I don't tell anyone about it. I pretend I went to Walmart at least and picked up some qtips or something. I don't write a goddamn song about it. You are the laziest son of a bitch on the planet. How's that, Bruno? What happens when 500 preteens buy tickets to your concert but you wake up that day and you're like "today i don't feel like doing annnny-thing." See who sings along then.
PS. HI GUYS!!!!!!! MISS ME?!??!?!?!
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