My name would be cooler if I played pro football.

Posted by: Elyse

Reason # 8293579382753 why football is the best sport ever:  It has the unsurpassed ability to make pretty much anyone's name sound epic.  There are so many countless examples of names in the NFL that people would never bat an eye at in real life or that would be way too ridiculous for your average cubicle worker......

Take for example Percy Harvin.  If you named your kid that, can you imagine what life would be like for him in ohhh... say about 6th grade?  The only thing I can associate the name Percy with is that little pug dog from the animated Disney classic, Pocahontas.  Yeah.  But stick Mr. Harvin in a purple uniform and a helmet with viking horns on it, and the name sounds sooooo epic and cool.

He falls into the category of "Names that would doom your child to coke bottle glasses and pocket protectors  until they become professional football players."  Next to Percy, clutching their chemistry textbooks would be Donald Driver, Dwayne Bowe, Clinton Portis and possibly Roddy White. Oh and most DEF Mario Manningham. bahahahah.  Poor kids.  Thank god most of you are now enormous and filthy rich.

Then you have the dudes whose names I know I would never be creative enough to come up with, but are so damn cool that OF COURSE they're gunna be pro athletes.  Oh, hi, Austin Collie, Pierre Garcon (well, duh, you're a frenchman) and Miles Austin.  Since Kim Kardashian wants to S all of your D's then you must be in the cool name club.

There's also your automatic BALLLLERRRRSSS who are named after (or similarly to) luxury cars.  Marcedes Lewis,  Cadillac Williams.  Are you kidding me???? I hope he gets free Cadillacs forever even though I'm sure he could afford like 9 escalades anyway. Or he's probably gunna buy the company when he retires. At age 38. >: /

I mean, my theory isn't foolproof.  Tony Romo, for example.  Um.... no offense but he's very plain jane.  I'd expect a lot more from a dude named Tony Romo, like possibly a blowout haircut, some fist pumping and a plate full of meatballs in front of him? Just saying....

So to sum it up, if you think you're name is average, just learn how to tackle 280 lb men or launch/catch a football 75 yards and it'll be awesome.  And no, Chad Ochocinco does not get a shoutout because he's a huge douche.