these halls aren't going to deck themselves

Posted by: Christie

Ah,  Decemeber eve.  This is one of my favorite months of the year, and it means it's finally time to enjoy every Christmas song I can find over the next 25 days.  I usually listen while I'm painstakingly trying to decide which marketing ploys have been most effective on me and splurging on commercialism.  Below I've included the links to download some of the best Christmas albums around.  Enjoy.

Mariah Carey-Merry Christmas

N*Sync-Home for Christmas

Home Alone 2- Original Soundtrack

Destiny's Child-8 Days of Christmas

Vince Guaraldi-A Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack

Alvin & the Chipmunks-The Chipmunks Greatest Christmas Hits

By the way, these are all zip files so here's a link to download the software to unzip them if you need it: Win RAR


Next up: Favorite holiday movies.  Stay tuned.

why THANK you, Urban dictionary!

Posted by: Elyse

in case you can't read that, here's the link because I want you all to read that.  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=elyse
I s to g that I did not write this myself, but can I just say, Urban dictionary knows what the fuck is up.  My friend was just looking up a bunch of our friends' names on it, and I was like ooo do me! and I seriously can't believe how dead on these definitions are.  I don't want to give myself a complex, but I'm kinda thinking that someone I know with a secret crush on me must have put at least one of those up there.  "Zany, spaztic.... knows how to hold her liquor?"  If that didn't convince, perhaps this will.  "Also, her breasts are often compared to the size of huge grapefruits and with the curves men dream of."  MY BOOBS ARE ENORMOUS! This is uncanny, and a little creepy.

Come on, secret admirer, fess up and save us this awkwardness so we can get nekkid.

i can't talk to boys anymore

Posted by: Elyse

 I have a serious problem.  I like, CAN'T talk to attractive men anymore.  I freeze up and drool or get all red and silly....  When did this happen??? Maybe the high life gives me balls but I can't remember a time when I got too shy to talk to a dude.

You guys remember tall handsome deep voiced bank man who told me I was like his mom?  Yeah well I'm still pining away after him, but now I have the entire staff at the bank plotting with me on how I'm going to get him to fall in love with me.  Anyway, a Christmas miracle occurred and he left his debit card AGAIN so I called him all cutesy and left him a message that we had it and to come pick it up.  So of course, out of the 7 hours that the bank is open, he comes in while i'm downstairs peeing.  My manager RUNS to come get me, and I come upstairs with my best do me eyes and I'm like oh let me get your debit card for you.  So after I hand it to him, he stands in front of my window talking to my coworker, and I"m just like dumbfoundedly staring at him and his hotness.  And I can't say ANYTHING.  I can't enter myself into the conversation at all. Just stand there, dumb looking, and I caught myself doing that awkward ear to ear grin that you can't stop yourself from doing when your mind is like "OMG LOOK AT THIS HOT GUY THAT YOU LOVE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU."  So now he just thinks I'm smiling like an idiot for no reason.  yeah. Then he left. 

And then today, I hit up the mini Rotterdam mall so I can get some adorable heels for work, and I'm slumming it in yesterday's makeup and my greasy hair.  But I'm reppin the Acacia Strain hard (as usual), rocking their hoodie, strolling through the mall.  Suddenly, like an angel from hardcore heaven, I see this gorgeous super scene man with his ears stretched and a baseball hat on, and a band tee and tons of tats and he's SOOOO HOTTTTT.  And he walks by me and points at my sweatshirt and goes  "I like your hoodie."  What does Elyse do? fucking nothing.  I'm fumbling over my words, trying so hard to get something, ANYthing out, that I say nothing and keep walking.  My ideal man, who clearly loves good music, just acknowledged my love of good music and I can't formulate words.  What is wrong with me????

I can't even make this shit up, seriously guys.  How the hell do I re-learn to talk to attractive men?  Because I can't go through my life constantly intoxicated (at which point I have NO problem talking to anyone. I'd probably talk to a squirrel carcus in the road, for real).  I need some go to one line answers that I practice on the reg so I am prepared for these situations.  I'm just gunna say over and over in my head "thank you, they rock balls" and hope that next time I habitually spit that line out, it's not in response to some hot guy saying "Hey, you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe."

shit that makes me mad

Posted by: Elyse


Hey! you guys wanna be on my "Shit that makes me mad" list tonight???? this is all you have to do,

1.  All you have to do is start off by being a migraine that i've had since Monday.  Not only did I barely consume any spanksgiving dins yesterday, I also had to go pass out in my den of darkness in my awesomely comfy bed with the shades drawn and lights off AND MISS MY EFFIN FOOTBALL GAME(which we won anyway, go pats) and have my peanut of a niece leave without saying bye. EFF YOU HEADACHE. and thank you excedrin migraine.

2.  I know you're 5 and all, but seriously, nephew???? Right in front of me, are you really going to "semi" consume a bologna lunchable???? all he ate was the bologna and the chips ahoy cookies.  Once every 3 months I'll buy  myself a $5 bologna lunchable as a super treat to myself for not being slutty and I will handcraft all 8 of those crackers, topped with bologna and then with filthy yellow american cheese and savor every second of it.  Meanwhile, my nephew just powers down 1/3 of it in front of me, and then tries to slap my hand away for wanting to eat his leftovers. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE LITTLE BOY?????

3.  ARGGG so I roll home, angry from the bar, and my effin amazing bed that i've blogged and raved about.... none of the queen sized bedsheets that i buy for it legitimately fit the massive pillow top, so I have to play deputy bedsheets every single night and pull them all taught and beg them to stay tucked in on the corners.  There's nothing worse than trying to sleep when your legs are rolling over huge creases in the sheets from not being tucked in all the way. maybe I should go with kings.

4. GUYS WITH GIRLFRIENDS.  Creepbags who wanna make out/sexy time you when they are feeling it, and beg you all pathetically and you're just like "whatevs" with the upper hand, but then they totally skeeze out when they're with their actual GFs who are oblivious to the fact that their boyfriends are whores.  I'll never BE a cheater, but I'll make out with a cheater, until they hit skeezeball status.

5. D-bags who wanna ask me about my tattoos.  Ugh.  They are there for ME, not for you to muster up every possible strength you ever gained in 2nd grade reading class.  Not my fault if you can't read my right or left arm while I'm trying to order a beer, I didn't get these tats so that you could have story time/an excuse to hit on a hot chick at the bar.  If you can't read or make sense of 13 words in the 45 seconds it takes for the speedy bartenders to slide me another high life, you don't deserve to know what my ink is about. toolbag. I bet you have  a fucking tribal so suck it.

Unless you are the english muffin that I have just toasted to perfection and smothered in butter AND peanut butter, you can kill yourself.  I'm super irritated by tonight. but at least I blogged.

i just can't do it.

Posted by: Elyse

yeah, fools.  I'm gunna be that cat.  On Thanksgiving day.  Yup, you read me right.  I will NOT be the girl vomiting away her hangover.  I'm going to be happy kitty face sitting at my big ass table hammering down pounds and pounds of turkey, mash peeeetatttes, broccoli cauliflower cheesy casserole, stuffing, cranberry sauce, biscuits with extra mega butter with gravy dumped all over everything.  And when I'm done eating, I'm gunna eat some more.

You know how this is possible? Because I do not go out on Thanksgiving eve.  I never understood that custom/tradition.  Why on earth, when there are 364 other drinking nights in the year, would someone want to get so shitfaced that they can't hold down the most delicious meal of the year?  I know you guys are gunna find this hard to believe, but for Elyse, food > beer.  I'll get my blacking out taken care of on Monday, thank you very much.  Enjoy your drumstick shaped vomit puddles in the toilet. NO PIE FOR YOU.

fuck you, four loko

Posted by: Elyse

UGHHHHHH. of all the things lately that have been pissing me off, this by FAR has pissed me off the most. BOOOOO EFFIN HOOOOO four loko got banned in New York as well as several other states. Big deal.  Maybe it's my old age speaking, but I never had to rely on a company to infuse alcohol with caffeine to make me black out.  I just never got what the deal was with this shit.  I always had the connotation that Four Loko was the preferred beverage of dumb whores who wanted to sleep around and had something to blame it on in the morning.  And then so many people tried to tell me that "ohhh well it equals drinking four beers and a few cups of coffee." ummmm.... so?  I'd rather actually DRINK four beers and a freakin cup of pregame coffee than force down one of those bitch tasting beverages. As far as I'm concerned, being able to punish a few Four Lokos does NOT get you any more cool points in my book.

Here's a list of alcoholic beverages that have made me black out in the past:
1.  Captain morgan
2.  Admiral Nelson (the captain's squirrely cousin)
3.  Absolut grapefruit
4.  Miller high life
5.  Peppermint Schnapps
6.  Miller high life
7.  Miller high life
8.  Old grandad whiskey
9.  Infinite other possibilities

Point being, you can drink enough of anything to hop on the blackout express, and it's really not that crazy of an idea.  In my day, it took a few balls to get fucked up and I'd rather work for my incoherent state than drink a few nasty ass fizzy fruity beverages that make you act like a retard just so you can say you "four loko blacked out."  I don't care, it doesn't give you bragging rights, it just puts you on the trendy train to no man's land.  So when this shit gets banned in every state in the U.S. (which it's about to) and all you pussies are panicking about how you're going to party and violently shaking from your caffeine withdrawals, I'm gunna be wrecked off an old fashioned 30 rack. And DEF not taking a moment to "pour one out" for our fallen homey Four Loko. ugh.

why I'm team edward, AGAIN.

Posted by : Elyse

ok so I'm sure none of you normal people who live in normal cities and NOT upstate NY don't have to deal with this garbage, but I legit tonight had a COYOTE blow up my spot.  It's only 11:30, but I'm nonetheless coming home from the bar when I have to work at 8am tmrw and I live in my parents' sweet house for free.  So I pull into my driveway and I open my car door and what do I hear???? A gaggle... no that's not right... a "pack" of coyotes, all yelping and howling their nonsense all over my backyard. And then I hear my black lab, Libby, barking from inside my house.

I'm like, really coyotes????? You absolutely HAD to have this pack meeting as I'm coming home from my night out, so that as I roll up into my house my parents think that I'M the one who woke up them and my dog???? ughhhh furious.  But then I got to thinking, like, what if the coyotes were just out at their version of the bar and they were all walking home and just loudly and obnoxiously talking to each other about the hot ass wolf they saw out or the porcupine they got in a fight with and they're just being rowdy and chatty.  Then I felt bad, because I've been there for sure.  You can't help a noisy walk home if you're wastey-cased.  So I forgive you coyotes, as long as you don't do it again or eat my sweet muffin cat named jake. thanks xo

ewww at the bar...

Posted by: Elyse

If there's one good thing I took away from the bar tonight (bc it wasn't that great of a night. total sausage fest, the dj wouldn't let me sing skid row on karaoke, creepy dude and his creepy uncle stalking me and my hot friend), it's the term "Obeast."  Live it, love it, learn to avoid them.  This kid was clearly talking about a fat chick who was gross and nasty and he wanted far away from her.  If I wasn't already peeing on the toilet while reading his desperate BBM to me calling this chick an OBEAST, I would have pissed my pants.  I want to use this term daily.  I mean, we can all find a broad who this relates to.  You know, the tubbs who's thinking she's looking foxy out at the bar in her tight jeans and rolls hanging out over her sweater, trying to cover up her oozing acne with a bandaid that's actually a strip of bacon.... ugh ew. i'd be more disgusted actually if I didn't just put down an order of dunks hash browns and a few leftover doritos.........
............... wait!!!!!!!!!!! am I turning OBEAST??????? brb gunna vomit up my late night snacks.

Not only am I hilarious.....

Posted by: Elyse

..............but my friends are hilarious too.  This is my friend Lionel Richie.

This is my friend Slippery Pete:

I know what you're thinking.  Wait Elyse, you posted the same picture twice.  But look closer.  Nope. One dude is white and the other one is black.  Nothing gets past me.  Anyway I guess I could tell you a quick story about Slip too.

So two summers ago, I used to head to MA like every other weekend and practically live at my friend Kristi's house.  Her mom adopted me I'm pretty sure.  Anyway, we used to party our faces off.  That was the summer of party.  And then we'd go home and snuggle up in her big bed and pass out.  So one time, we get all blacked out and Slippery Pete brings us home and I think we eat snacks that we bought at the White Hen Pantry and all three of us lay on her bed and try to make it through a terrrrrible horror movie but don't.

So I wake up the next day feeling HELLLLLISH with the taste of high life still on my breath, and it takes me a min to remember where I am, and then I roll over, and instead of seeing Kristi's sunshiney face, I see slippery pete passed out all snuggly.  And for a split second I'm like OH MY GOD.  DID I?????  So I move around a little and I still have my jeans on as well as my bra, and then I go and find Kristi all snuggled up in the spare room, so apparently the bed was just a bit crowded but I thought I did that whole awkward sleep with your friend thing. I mean, if I had, Lionel Richie's pretty cool so......

WHAT UP SLIPPERY PETE?!?!? MISS YOU DUUUUUDE!

This is a nostalgia post. PART 2

Posted by: Christie

Hey guys.  Sorry about the extreme lack of updating lately.  It's pretty much just that I look at a computer 8 hours a day at work and when I come home the sight of one makes me want to throw up a little.  I'm gonna slack it tonight and make it another picture/nostalgia posts, but who IDK anyone who wouldn't want to see more of the awesome shit that we grew up with that they don't make anymore. As you can see, I spent a lot of my childhood eating various types of candy that was probably loaded with toxic Yellow 5 and playing with junk while watching Nickelodeon.

Enjoy and comment with more stuff you remember!