Monday, November 28, 2011
ummm excuse me?
Posted by: Elyse
Someone get me this! NOW! but like do it on the sly, because I really love my dad and I don't want him to disown me or kick me out of the family for so badly coveting thy AFC East divisional rival's quarterback. Get it delivered to my PO Box in discreet packaging, like when you order sex toys or dirty dvds. Then text me the exact location of Ryan Fitzpatrick and his actual beard, but do it several days ahead of time because I need to shave my legs and I'm wicked lazy. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR BLOG READERS?????
I'll never get old and this is why
Posted by: Elyse
Why. Just.... fuckin.... why? I know when you get old your hearing goes and your eyesight slips away and sometimes even your mental capacity. But does your sense of smell go away? Because how many old peeps can you name right now without even blinking that you KNOW wreak of moth balls and OLD LADY PERFUME. Seriously, how can you not know that you smell like a moth ball? Maybe that's where the two scents go hand in hand. Instead of disposing of the moth balls and washing their clothes, they just pile on the old lady perfume.
And I'm desperate to know... at what age does Elizabeth Taylor's "White Diamonds" start smelling delicious?? Is there a certain cutoff? Like on your 65th birthday, you just go to the store and resign and say "my oh my that White Diamonds smells like Jesus urine. I should dump a whole bunch on me before I go anywhere." And perhaps it's the feeble old lady hands, and they think they've only sprayed once, but correct me if I'm wrong in saying that I don't think I've ever smelled old lady perfume in gentle quantities. I would rather smell a meathead who drank his Axe body spray and is now sweating it out of his pores than grandma, who washes her sheets in any fragrance made by a now 90 year old movie star.
Why. Just.... fuckin.... why? I know when you get old your hearing goes and your eyesight slips away and sometimes even your mental capacity. But does your sense of smell go away? Because how many old peeps can you name right now without even blinking that you KNOW wreak of moth balls and OLD LADY PERFUME. Seriously, how can you not know that you smell like a moth ball? Maybe that's where the two scents go hand in hand. Instead of disposing of the moth balls and washing their clothes, they just pile on the old lady perfume.
And I'm desperate to know... at what age does Elizabeth Taylor's "White Diamonds" start smelling delicious?? Is there a certain cutoff? Like on your 65th birthday, you just go to the store and resign and say "my oh my that White Diamonds smells like Jesus urine. I should dump a whole bunch on me before I go anywhere." And perhaps it's the feeble old lady hands, and they think they've only sprayed once, but correct me if I'm wrong in saying that I don't think I've ever smelled old lady perfume in gentle quantities. I would rather smell a meathead who drank his Axe body spray and is now sweating it out of his pores than grandma, who washes her sheets in any fragrance made by a now 90 year old movie star.
idk lol w me?!
Posted by: Elyse
Howdy bitches. So I've eluded to this in a prior post, but since it's been like a solid year since I've blogged, I'm gunna refresh yo memories. Please tell me if I'm obscenely crazy or if this is normal:
So I live in a pretty small town where not only does everyone know your name, but everyone knows your business and who's peen you're into and how many yuenglings you consumed last Friday night and your 3 time a day pizza habit (don't judge). Especially with me, I work two jobs. I work at a bank so I have all these mostly older people that I see daily who know profesh Elyse and then I bartend a few days a week so I know all the drunkies and all that stuff. Wouldn't it be just deliciously nice if I were able to go to the grocery store or Walmart or CVS without having to run into someone I know and have a 5 minute conversation with each one? For real, sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to run into price chopper and get a goddamn frozen pizza because I get stuck having to explain who I was making out with in the parking lot at locos two weekends ago.
So you know what Elyse does 9 out of 10 trips to anywhere in my small town? I bust out the cell phone, put that mother on silent, and hold it up to my ear and have a pretend conversation. The trick is, to make it seem real, you really have to think of something that happened to you, start telling that story, and then just run with it. Really pretend that you are telling your best girlfriend how so and so the dickhead "like, totally flipped his shit the other morning and like didn't invite you to his nephew's birthday party but instead invited so and so the whorebag and she brought an inappropriate present.......... I know right?! Can you believe she bought him that???!!"
*Jaws theme song* Oh no, here comes Mr. Jones, headed right at you down the spice aisle..... "Oh hi, Elyse!" Then I do the one pinky finger wave and like kinda point to my phone "OMG you're kidding! He actually told you that?? That's disgusting." Mr. Jones gets the hint, walks away.
So if you ever see me walking around Walmart "talking on the phone," hands gesturing wildly, giggling and telling a story, yeah I'm not really on the phone. But don't be an asshole and ruin this trick for me. Just play along.
Howdy bitches. So I've eluded to this in a prior post, but since it's been like a solid year since I've blogged, I'm gunna refresh yo memories. Please tell me if I'm obscenely crazy or if this is normal:
So I live in a pretty small town where not only does everyone know your name, but everyone knows your business and who's peen you're into and how many yuenglings you consumed last Friday night and your 3 time a day pizza habit (don't judge). Especially with me, I work two jobs. I work at a bank so I have all these mostly older people that I see daily who know profesh Elyse and then I bartend a few days a week so I know all the drunkies and all that stuff. Wouldn't it be just deliciously nice if I were able to go to the grocery store or Walmart or CVS without having to run into someone I know and have a 5 minute conversation with each one? For real, sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to run into price chopper and get a goddamn frozen pizza because I get stuck having to explain who I was making out with in the parking lot at locos two weekends ago.
So you know what Elyse does 9 out of 10 trips to anywhere in my small town? I bust out the cell phone, put that mother on silent, and hold it up to my ear and have a pretend conversation. The trick is, to make it seem real, you really have to think of something that happened to you, start telling that story, and then just run with it. Really pretend that you are telling your best girlfriend how so and so the dickhead "like, totally flipped his shit the other morning and like didn't invite you to his nephew's birthday party but instead invited so and so the whorebag and she brought an inappropriate present.......... I know right?! Can you believe she bought him that???!!"
*Jaws theme song* Oh no, here comes Mr. Jones, headed right at you down the spice aisle..... "Oh hi, Elyse!" Then I do the one pinky finger wave and like kinda point to my phone "OMG you're kidding! He actually told you that?? That's disgusting." Mr. Jones gets the hint, walks away.
So if you ever see me walking around Walmart "talking on the phone," hands gesturing wildly, giggling and telling a story, yeah I'm not really on the phone. But don't be an asshole and ruin this trick for me. Just play along.
Friday, August 5, 2011
today i don't feel like listening to you bitch about how you don't feel like doing anything
Posted by: Elyse
I'm wicked sorry if by doing this I get this heinous song stuck in your head, but..... for the love of god. I haven't blogged in months and music has just kept progressing straight down hill. I'm about ready to board my rocketship with Seb Bach and the Acacia Strain now. Someone call Florida and set that shit up for me.
Look, Bruno.... if that really is your name..... I feel ya on what you're saying. I do. There's days where I just do not want to crawl out from under my hangover and put on my fancy pants and go to work. And if that day ever occurs, I usually sleep for about 35% of it, eat a ton of terribly horribly bad for me greasy snacks for 28% of it, watch 90210 reruns and end up googling old Luke Perry pictures for 45% of it..... i think that equals over 100% but whatever. Point being, I am so embarrassed for wasting a day and becoming a giant fat sloth that I don't tell anyone about it. I pretend I went to Walmart at least and picked up some qtips or something. I don't write a goddamn song about it. You are the laziest son of a bitch on the planet. How's that, Bruno? What happens when 500 preteens buy tickets to your concert but you wake up that day and you're like "today i don't feel like doing annnny-thing." See who sings along then.
PS. HI GUYS!!!!!!! MISS ME?!??!?!?!
I'm wicked sorry if by doing this I get this heinous song stuck in your head, but..... for the love of god. I haven't blogged in months and music has just kept progressing straight down hill. I'm about ready to board my rocketship with Seb Bach and the Acacia Strain now. Someone call Florida and set that shit up for me.
Look, Bruno.... if that really is your name..... I feel ya on what you're saying. I do. There's days where I just do not want to crawl out from under my hangover and put on my fancy pants and go to work. And if that day ever occurs, I usually sleep for about 35% of it, eat a ton of terribly horribly bad for me greasy snacks for 28% of it, watch 90210 reruns and end up googling old Luke Perry pictures for 45% of it..... i think that equals over 100% but whatever. Point being, I am so embarrassed for wasting a day and becoming a giant fat sloth that I don't tell anyone about it. I pretend I went to Walmart at least and picked up some qtips or something. I don't write a goddamn song about it. You are the laziest son of a bitch on the planet. How's that, Bruno? What happens when 500 preteens buy tickets to your concert but you wake up that day and you're like "today i don't feel like doing annnny-thing." See who sings along then.
PS. HI GUYS!!!!!!! MISS ME?!??!?!?!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
nostalgia..........
Posted by: Elyse
Ya know, I used to be so much fun. Back in my hey day, I would party it up super hard and then come home and have all these crazy stories to blog about my insane lifestyle. But now I don't blog because I'm so afraid to disappoint you all. Don't let the above (recent) photo fool you. I was not actually getting my crunk THAT fired up. I had like 3 beers (well.... two bottles of wine before we went out and 3 beers at the bar), it was just unseasonably hot in there.
But if that picture had been taken like 4 months ago, the story I'd come home with to blog about would go something like this: "Ok guys soooo I like got all kinds of hammahfaced and cleaned locos out of their entire stock of miller high life. Then I went to shake my shit on the pool table and like dropped my blackberry (i've since upgraded to a droid) down into the pool table pocket and like totally had to beg this guy for $1.75 to get all the balls to come down and then push out my blackberry and then we went home and had sex and now I'm blogging about it."
Current Elyse does this when she's drunk: I text my gf Heather at like 2am and demand to change my girl scout cookie order from 1 box of samoas and 2 tagalongs to "like.... 9823753895 boxes of tagalongs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" These are the types of bad decisions that I make now when I'm drinking. I'm so refined and grown up. Nothing's more grown up than ordering girl scout cookies. That's what like, real adults do. And big shout out thanks to Heather for actually changing my order to a billion boxes of cookies. You're lucky I like your kid ;)
But if that picture had been taken like 4 months ago, the story I'd come home with to blog about would go something like this: "Ok guys soooo I like got all kinds of hammahfaced and cleaned locos out of their entire stock of miller high life. Then I went to shake my shit on the pool table and like dropped my blackberry (i've since upgraded to a droid) down into the pool table pocket and like totally had to beg this guy for $1.75 to get all the balls to come down and then push out my blackberry and then we went home and had sex and now I'm blogging about it."
Current Elyse does this when she's drunk: I text my gf Heather at like 2am and demand to change my girl scout cookie order from 1 box of samoas and 2 tagalongs to "like.... 9823753895 boxes of tagalongs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" These are the types of bad decisions that I make now when I'm drinking. I'm so refined and grown up. Nothing's more grown up than ordering girl scout cookies. That's what like, real adults do. And big shout out thanks to Heather for actually changing my order to a billion boxes of cookies. You're lucky I like your kid ;)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
tis a scary world we live in
Posted by: Elyse
I really didn't even wanna mention this, because my fiery hatred for everything lady gaga usually prohibits me from talking about her and giving her the publicity she so desperately craves, but..... seriously with the fucking egg? I really almost vomited. Like, who the fuck is this weirdo. That is not artsy, or creative, or innovative, it's just goddamn stupid. She looks like such a fool ALL THE TIME. I know I'm gunna alienate some of my own fans with this one, but cut the bologna with this garbage. She thinks she's sooooo different because she strolls around wearing like extraterrestrial uterine lining pants and dances like shes having a seizure.
And if I hear one more person say that she's gunna be around as long as Madonna, then that is it. It's bad enough staring at Madonna's 60 year old terrifying man arms, I'm gunna have to stare at that pseudo-penis that gaga has tucked back that flopped out on stage once? WHEN SHE'S 60???? Hell no. If this is the state of music and music to come, then I'm telling you, the SECOND they declare Mars inhabitable, I am on the first rocket ship farthest away from Lady Gaga. And although she'll probably by flying a rocket ship around like its some new trendy car by then, the only people that are allowed to come to Mars with me are Sebastian Bach and the Acacia Strain. End scene.
And if I hear one more person say that she's gunna be around as long as Madonna, then that is it. It's bad enough staring at Madonna's 60 year old terrifying man arms, I'm gunna have to stare at that pseudo-penis that gaga has tucked back that flopped out on stage once? WHEN SHE'S 60???? Hell no. If this is the state of music and music to come, then I'm telling you, the SECOND they declare Mars inhabitable, I am on the first rocket ship farthest away from Lady Gaga. And although she'll probably by flying a rocket ship around like its some new trendy car by then, the only people that are allowed to come to Mars with me are Sebastian Bach and the Acacia Strain. End scene.
didn't i promise 2011 was the year of the blog?
Posted by: Elyse
Yeah well, I lied. I can never remember to and when I do think of something crafty to blog about, I don't write it down on a post it and then I forget what I wanted to blog about.
But this fine evening, I ran into my buddy Stefan (of course while I was buying like 9 million tampons. Why does that always happen?) and the best part is that I've met him probably only like 2 or 3 times but he and his wonderful lady are avid readers of hardcore hugz. Like, that is how they know me mostly. Through my embarassing, ridiculous rants on this blog. So I feel bad for my like, 5 readers when I don't blog.
While rubbing my ego and giving me an ego boner about how funny I am, he suggested that I do stand up! I was like noooo way I wouldn't know what to do with myself! Like, stand up comedians pre-write funny things, don't they? I could never do that. My stand up would work like this. I'd get on stage, get on the mic, and be like hey guys so what do you wanna talk about. No wait, back up the soul train. I'd power down a 12-er of high life and THEN get on stage. And then power down more. And then I'd feel really awkward because I can't be funny unless I sit down in front of my laptop for about 90 years and rewrite every sentence 3 times. But you know what, the right amount of high life makes most things inspirational. I'm willing to give it a whirl, but not willing to put any effort into it. Someone book me a show somewhere, buy me high life, and bring every person you know. Let's do this.
Yeah well, I lied. I can never remember to and when I do think of something crafty to blog about, I don't write it down on a post it and then I forget what I wanted to blog about.
But this fine evening, I ran into my buddy Stefan (of course while I was buying like 9 million tampons. Why does that always happen?) and the best part is that I've met him probably only like 2 or 3 times but he and his wonderful lady are avid readers of hardcore hugz. Like, that is how they know me mostly. Through my embarassing, ridiculous rants on this blog. So I feel bad for my like, 5 readers when I don't blog.
While rubbing my ego and giving me an ego boner about how funny I am, he suggested that I do stand up! I was like noooo way I wouldn't know what to do with myself! Like, stand up comedians pre-write funny things, don't they? I could never do that. My stand up would work like this. I'd get on stage, get on the mic, and be like hey guys so what do you wanna talk about. No wait, back up the soul train. I'd power down a 12-er of high life and THEN get on stage. And then power down more. And then I'd feel really awkward because I can't be funny unless I sit down in front of my laptop for about 90 years and rewrite every sentence 3 times. But you know what, the right amount of high life makes most things inspirational. I'm willing to give it a whirl, but not willing to put any effort into it. Someone book me a show somewhere, buy me high life, and bring every person you know. Let's do this.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
and this man is not my husband why?
Posted by: Elyse
Here's to get all you rowdy Pats fans out there excited about tomorrow. No one does it classier than Mr. Wesley and my Pats. Filthy 90 chinned Rex Ryan can flap his turkey gobbler all he wants, but no matter how much hot fire he THINKS he's spitting out of his mouth, there is no doubt in the world that the Pats do it better. We don't need to talk shit and run our mouths. We just give super sneaky press conferences where my gorgeous hunk of nugget meat makes 10 sly jabs at Rex's filthy foot fetish.
Let's analyze. Well of COURSE Rex Ryan wants his wife's feet in his mouth. He probably missed his midnight dinner that night and was still hungry after 12pm dinner, 3pm dinner, 6pm dinner and 9pm dinner. He was like OMG, wife, your toes they look like little cocktail weiners and I need them in my stom-adhfaiuegnajeghauigheage (noises of his filthy consumption). This man disgusts me with his poor sportsmanship, his bad examples, and to be perfectly honest I'm surprised he wants to talk as much shit as he does. I mean.... how outlandish does it seem that something would actually be coming OUT of his mouth, so much in the opposite direction of the 400 lbs of ground bacon that he consumes daily.
So don't worry pats, I just did your shit talking for you. And extra mega props to Wes for real for keeping a straight face during that press conference. GO PATS!
Here's to get all you rowdy Pats fans out there excited about tomorrow. No one does it classier than Mr. Wesley and my Pats. Filthy 90 chinned Rex Ryan can flap his turkey gobbler all he wants, but no matter how much hot fire he THINKS he's spitting out of his mouth, there is no doubt in the world that the Pats do it better. We don't need to talk shit and run our mouths. We just give super sneaky press conferences where my gorgeous hunk of nugget meat makes 10 sly jabs at Rex's filthy foot fetish.
Let's analyze. Well of COURSE Rex Ryan wants his wife's feet in his mouth. He probably missed his midnight dinner that night and was still hungry after 12pm dinner, 3pm dinner, 6pm dinner and 9pm dinner. He was like OMG, wife, your toes they look like little cocktail weiners and I need them in my stom-adhfaiuegnajeghauigheage (noises of his filthy consumption). This man disgusts me with his poor sportsmanship, his bad examples, and to be perfectly honest I'm surprised he wants to talk as much shit as he does. I mean.... how outlandish does it seem that something would actually be coming OUT of his mouth, so much in the opposite direction of the 400 lbs of ground bacon that he consumes daily.
So don't worry pats, I just did your shit talking for you. And extra mega props to Wes for real for keeping a straight face during that press conference. GO PATS!
hola
Posted by: Elyse
hey hey hey how's my best readers?! I'm wicked sorry I havent blogged in like 2 months but there's a really good reason for that, and any of you faithful readers are gunna love it. It's because I now look like that guy, up there, which also happens to be christie's favorite smiley face ever.
GUESS who I finally lured into boyfriendom? Guess. You're never gunna guess. Oh, did you guess black truck driving, deep voiced, tall dark and gorgeous crush from the bank? Then you win a 12 pack of high lifes bc you're damn straight i landed that. So i'm sorry but I'm like... busy. having sex with my dream man and like respecting my liver's will to live. I'm all new leafed and stuff. But maybe i'll come back and blog now. I'm trying twitter again. annnnd i'm rambling. i'm sorry. but i'm back.
GUESS who I finally lured into boyfriendom? Guess. You're never gunna guess. Oh, did you guess black truck driving, deep voiced, tall dark and gorgeous crush from the bank? Then you win a 12 pack of high lifes bc you're damn straight i landed that. So i'm sorry but I'm like... busy. having sex with my dream man and like respecting my liver's will to live. I'm all new leafed and stuff. But maybe i'll come back and blog now. I'm trying twitter again. annnnd i'm rambling. i'm sorry. but i'm back.
Friday, January 14, 2011
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