Throwback Thursdays

Posted by: Christie





Make this your ringtone, throw it on a playlist, sing it in the shower. Whatever you do with it, it will put you in a great mood. Whenever I listen to this, I cannot help hearing Mark Wahlberg basically just trying to sing with his voice that he yells at/threatens and intimidates everyone with in all his movies, but oh well, still a classic.

Because I studied history

Posted by: Elyse

So I'm at the bar last night (duh, it was Wednesday) with this hot guy and a couple friends BECAUSE THATS'S HOW I ROLL, and after the serious pool game died down, I downed about 19 high lifes. Wait, that's not the point of this story.  I peer over to my left at this kid I know, who shall remain nameless so I don't totally fucking embarass him if anybody actually reads this shit.

He's sitting at the bar, not really surrounded by anyone so that THIS FUCKING CELL PHONE is extra obvious.  I was such a complete ass, but I no lie looked at him and started hysterically laughing.  Then I went over to him and I was like "WHOA, dude, I didn't know we were digging up artifacts at the bar tonight!"  I brutalized his ancient zack morris style cell phone for like 2 solid mins before deciding that I needed a pic of that shit.

So I was like, hang on bro, I GOTTA take a pic of this.  And then what did I do to top off my complete asshole behavior? Of course I bust out my fuckin shiny, sexy and sleek touchscreen blackberry to take a picture of this missile.  His phone must have felt exactly like Mr. B.A. construction worker from the other night (when i opened his corona. Remembs? Scroll back).  If his cell phone had testicles, it's massive body would have sucked them back in right at that moment.  Or, since it still had an antenna, I bet the antenna just like slid back inside the phone all embarassed. Hahahahhahahaha. fucking antennas.

It's a filthy hot mess

Posted by: Chri$tie

Building off this pic, I was bumping some Ke$ha on my ipod today at the gym, I KNOW, i know, whatever. and decided that she basically just says what goes on in every girl's mind when they're drunk.  And if you disagree, you're probably lying.

Here's some samples from the lyrical genius herself:

Got a water bottle full of whiskey
In my handbag.
Got my drunk text on
I'll regret it in the mornin'
But tonight
I don't give a
I don't give a
I don't give a

Now we're getting so smashed.
Knocking over trash cans.
Eurbody breakin' bottles
It's a filthy hot mess.
Gonna get faded
I'm not the designated
Driver so
I don't give a
I don't give a
I don't give a


I'm pretty sure this is a decent description of my overall college experience, my friends will probably say the same. She does mention a designated driver so, she at least is being responsible in that respect. So, while I'm not necessarily endorsing Ke$ha here, I do think she's on to something. And my girl Chelsea liked her (below), so, MEH, i'll keep jamming out to her when I want to shut my brain off and reminisce about my college days.




I tried for about 20 minutes to embed the below video, but MTV copyrights wouldn't let me, so take a minute and click the link.
Chelsea Handler Wants to Party With Best New Artist Nominee Ke$ha

Capitalism.

Posted by: Christie

Genius.

sauce

Now, go win yourself some useless stuff!

Posted by: Christie

With the Big E in town, besides there being a lot of unnecessarily fried and calorie-loaded food that you would probably never eat in a regular setting, there's also a lot of useless prizes that you can try to win while showing off your skills that are never really applicable to anything you'd ever have to do in a real life situation.

Personally, before I go into any situation I like to somewhat prepare myself by learning all the ins and outs and outcomes that could happen, while at the same time giving myself a slight edge over whatever I'm about to do.  Generally, I like to use Google in helping me complete this task.

So, instead of letting my $30 a month cell phone internet access go to waste, I googled how to beat each of the games at the Big E that I decided to throw my money at on Saturday. Unfortunately, for me, my analytical mind worked against me this time and I won nothing.  But, below I will attach the tips so that you readers can maybe win yourselves a useless stuffed trophy that will sit and take up room in your house for the next year until you can let go of your pride and get rid of it.

How To Beat Carnival Games

Tips to win a knock-off stuffed animal or dusty 2LiveCrew vanity mirror next time you're counting mullets at the fair. 

Ring Toss Game:

Snap your wrist as you throw the ring to achieve the most spin possible, this will stabilize the ring making it easier to land cleanly on your target.

 

Balloon Dart Throw:

The balloons are under-inflated, and the dart tips are dull. Forget accuracy and throw the dart as hard as you can. Most people aim for the middle, so the game operators will often hide the "good prize" tags behind balloons on the outside edges.

 

Shoot out the Star:

Very hard to beat, even for a good marksman. The trick is to shoot around the star, rather than trying to shoot out the star itself.
In this skill game you need to completely remove the red star using a BB gun.
Complete the circle and the center of the paper will fall away taking the red star with it.
Also note that the barrels are often bent, and their marks not accurate. Within the first few shots it's important to gauge just how far off the mark the gun shoots and adjust your aim accordingly.

 

Basket Toss:

Lean over to get as close to the basket as you are allowed. Toss the ball gently using some backspin. Aim for the inside upper lip of the basket.

 

Guess your weight, age or birth month:

Unless you very over-weight or really don't look your age, it's best to go with the birth month. Some carnies still use an old scam for guessing your birth month.
If the carny uses this trick (not all do) they will scribble down something like the image on the right. Does it say Jun, Jul, or Jan? The guesser could claim it be whichever one is closest to your birth month. That wide spread allows the carny to be within 2 months of any month, except one: October.
So if you think you are dealing with a shady operator, always say "October" is your birth month.

 

Coin Toss Game:

The object is to toss a coin onto a plate without the coin bouncing off. There are a few tricks to increasing the odds of winning this game:
1. Use a very high arc, with as little spin as possible when tossing the coin. You can even try tossing the coin right up into the hanging stuffed animals above.
2. Covertly cover the coin with spit before tossing it.
3. Some people recommend purposely bouncing the coin off one plate in order to make a second bounce land on a plate safely.

 

Stand the bottle:

You are given a fishing pole with a small ring attached to the end of the line. Your goal is make a soda bottle (laying on its side) stand using this contraption.
The trick is to PUSH the bottle up rather than pull it up.

 

Milk Bottle Throw:

 
The bottles used in this carnival game are often made with leaded glasses making them very heavy.
The secret to winning the milk bottle throw is to aim at the base of the bottom two containers rather then at the intersection of all three bottles.

 

Test Your Strength:

The goal is to whack the base of this game with a mallet causing a weight shoot up and ring a bell. The trick is all in accuracy and technique rather than strength. A few tips:
1. Accuracy is the key, be sure to hit the center of base.
2. Hold the mallet as far down the handle as possible while still achieving a firm grip.
3. Hold the mallet over your head, arms completely extended, arch your body backwards. Give a few slow motion test swings to judge how far you should stand away from the target to hit it dead-center. Using this method you will achieve the most momentum and still accurately hit the target.

 

Basketball Free-Throw:

You have a lot going against you in this game. The ball is over-inflated, the hoop is smaller than regulation size and often an oval shape rather than circular. The backboard is plywood making it extra bouncy. So forget about throwing a normal free-throw shot.
The key is to use a high arc. Do not try to rebound the shot off the backboard -- the ball will always bounce too much. To win this game you must make a perfect swish, no backboard.

sauce

Now, instead of shelling out that $40 bucks plus trying to win that furry friend while trying to beat a seemingly impossible game, you'll only have to spend $35! You're welcome.

Good luck out there bitches!

I am more of a man than you.

Posted by: Elyse


Nothing gets my engine revving more than when some creepy perv Mcgee is trying to flirt with me and I get to put him in his place in a super cool, nonchalant way.  So I started my second job tonight, which is working the front desk at a hotel in town.

Apparently for the next 4 months, we're like half booked with railroad and regular construction worker dudes.  They all roll in tonight to check in, acting like BAMF's (bad ass motherfuckers, from when dane cook was still funny), telling me I'm gorgeous and when I fail at anything since it's my first night I'm just like... ommmggg giggle giggle its my first night! and they eat it up.

so toward the end of my shift, one of the biggest baddest of all the constructies comes over to his buds who are watching football in the lobby, eating their 92" sandwiches and drinking beer, and talking about how they wanna bone me like I can't hear.  He walks up to the desk with his corona and says "Hey there sweetheart, you got a bottle opener back there?" I'm like, umm I don't think so, but I have a lighter? And I busted it out of my pocket and give it to him.  I then get to watch him fumble with it like an idiot, chipping off the end of my lighter and not having any success.  So I make this face at him

and say "Ok, give me that, I went to college."  and, like fucking MAGIC, because I swear, I can NEEEEVVVVVER successfully open a beer bottle with a lighter the first try, I pop that sucker off like I've been doing it straight out the womb.  GODDAMN I looked like such a hotshot. and mr. badass construction worker had to tuck his tail between his beefy thighs and shuffle back over to his friends who were all giggling and now think I'm even hotter.

NIGHT ONE AT JOB #2= GREAT SUCCESS!

in preparation for halloween.......

Posted by: Elyse

I let this here werewolf bend me over and give it to me wolfy style.  Let me tell you, if I ever wasn't officially decided on who I love more, I am sooooooo Team Edward.  Mr. Werewolf was so non romantic and selfish in bed.  Might I add that this was taken at my 5 year old nephew's birthday party. woops.

This is a nostalgia post.

Posted by: Christie 

Since Elyse has been complaining of shoulder pain from carrying the blog on her back the past week, I've decided to finally post.

I have a degree in history, which means, besides from having little to no potential job prospects, I tend to enjoy lots of different things from the past.

This post however, luckily for you has nothing to do with any actual history topics per say, but is more so a nostalgic post.

It's a really good thing the camera was invented before I was born so that I/we can look back on all the cool shit I made my parents waste their money on for me.

I could keep going/making you scroll for days but that will be all for now. Hope you enjoyed this blast from the past. If any of these things don't look familiar to you just consider yourself as having a less than mediocre childhood and try to make up for it by living vicariously through your next child. Feel free to use this post as a template of awesome things to show your child as they grow up.

sauce

wow.

Posted by: Elyse

I just feel so much better about myself when I eat a nutritious, healthy meal. and then lay in my bed literally ALL DAY LONG.

sad face.

Posted by: Elyse

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Why do I feel the need to tell you guys the most embarrassing stuff about myself?  I hope you assholes appreciate this.  So the other night, I'm sitting in my room, probably skyping with my one skype friend (the co-author of this blog), giggling out loud and my mom rolls up to my room.  We chat some idle chatting, I tell her I'm blogging but she can never read it because it would make her disappointed, you know, the usual.

Then she walks away and I think I'm off the hook, but she comes back and she's like "Oh and hey, Elyse..." I'm like ohhhh crap did I throw a cigarette butt on the lawn instead of in my designated empty vegetable cans????  Honestly, I would have preferred that lecture 10 to one.  She's like......

"Have you thought about maybe joining one of those internet dating sites? Because I've heard....."

MOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOMMMMMM! OMFGGGGGGGG.  Like come, on, I'm pretty hot and when I get drunk and social I have a stellar personality.  Just because I tend to date cheating a-holes and ultra badasses who end up screwing me over doesn't mean I'm incapable of finding a real life, non internet man.  Not knocking anyone who's tried the ole daternet, but there's NO way in hell that I could ever bring a guy home to meet my friends or family and have them be like awwww so how'd you meet?

ummm....... on the internet. Fail.  Thanks mom.

i dont have a fridge.

Posted by: Elyse

So my parents recently bought a vacation home.  Also recently (sunday), my refrigerator shit the bed.  Sooooo since my mom is terrified that the bank will see that they dropped $1500 on a new fridge, we are currently rocking the cooler/trailer combo.  Yes. All the things from our freezer are in our camp trailer freezer.  The fridge stuff is dispersed between the trailer fridge and a cooler in my garage. Pain in the ass???? absolutely.

So it's friday, and I want my ass a cold frosty miller high life.  Please view video.....

did you notice i love metal???

Posted by: Elyse
I cannot wait to be in line at price chopper when my phone rings next, since this is my new ringtone.


When it kicks in, I'm gunna sucker punch the old lady in front of me in the back of the head and then pick up all her cans of cat food and start shoving them in little kids' mouths and forcing them to swallow.  Then I'm gunna cut everyone in line and pay for my tater tots with badass metal attitude as opposed to cash money or debitz. Goddamn I love the acacia strain.

scary bathroom sitch.

Posted by: Elyse

soooo please somebody tell me if this is just upstate ny or if all normal bars do this. So I've noticed this before, but I haven't said anything because i guess it's not really my place to determine what type of programming my local bar has on in the ladies room but...... wait. Do most bars have tvs running in the bathroom?

well, whether they do or not, my local bar, Locomotions (woop wooooop! free advertising!!! they love the high life!!!) has a TV in the ladies room.  No lie, i've prob been here more times than you've changed your underwear and god only knows WHERE the remote to this ladies' room tv is...... but every time i go in there, it's either set to the lifetime movie network or like whatever channel plays all the rapist and murderer documentaries.

So after like 5 high lifes i roll up into this bathroom ready to piss my pants, and while i'm doing so i have to listen to the trials and tribulations of jennifer love hewitt's new life as a prostie OR about how the FBI is still trying to track down Jimmy John Jethro for the murder/rape/tractor pull of Suzie Lynn who went missing in upstate NY in 2003. 

Are you trying to send me subliminal messages, Locomotions????? FINE, i'll never drink here without a male in my presence again, just to be safe. But let me tell you, if you card him at the door and his license reads Jimmy John Jethro, someone best be warning me not to think his tractor's sexy or I'm a goner.

Cheerleader-eating mascots.

Posted by: Christie






Saw this while I was on the treadmill in the gym tonight and burst out laughing... everyone around me just kind of looked over at me weird. Is she upside down in there?  I don't even get it...but there should be some kind of league rule that this needs to happen at least once at every game.

Reasons why I wish I still played organized sports...

Posted by: Christie

 So I could do badass things like THIS after scoring goals/baskets/runs.

Robbie Fowler, the former Liverpool striker, created a huge controversy and was fined $90,000 by his club and the Football Association for having celebrated his penalty against Everton by getting down to his hands and knees and miming the snorting of cocaine off the white touchline.

sauce

this friggen song

Posted by: Elyse


omg.  This is the most adorable song I've ever heard in my life. Obv what makes it cuter is that silly commercial with the lions and tigers and bears all frolicking in the safari water.  But really, it makes me want to skip through a field of tall grass holding hands with my biggest enemy while we blow bubbles and stuff.  I can't get enough.  Me and my mom go back and forth with it. I'll be all "Well we get along...." and she'll be all "doo doo doo doo doooo." We are friggen adorable.

Have a wash and be inspired

Posted by: Christie

If you haven't already figured it out, the internet is a treasure trove of random stuff.  After getting a mind fuck from watching "The Event" tonight, I decided to try and make myself sleepy by browsing the web for random cool shit to blog about. And then I came across this...  The packaging just really says it all.

This little gem...

Posted by: Elyse

BAAAAA-ZIIIINNNNNNG am I printing my ass out one of these!  Because to be perfectly honest, I live in daily hardcore fear of seeing my ex out in public.  Dude's a monster, for real, but I am not going to get into that story because I don't want anyone to throw up.

Two problemos with this, though.  One, I'm not a ginger. My hair is a funny shade of brownish blondish reddish right now, but it certainly isn't Ron Weasley red.  Other problemo, I'm a chick.  So if I'm trying to disguise myself with a creepstache, I might actually end up drawing more attention to myself.

Luckily for me, my ex doesn't shower, so I'd probably be able to smell him from like a good 1/4 mile away, then either have time to pull my hair up and in a baseball hat, put on some sunglasses and THEN put on the emergency mustache and possibly pass for a semi ginger dude..... or I could just hop into my 4 cylinders of glory and get the fuck out. I'm just glad I have options.

DOG BODY SHOES

Posted by: Elyse

Now facebook has tried to trick me into a lot of things in my day, but no other deceptive side ad has captured my attention quite like these "puppies."  The ad tried to lure me in by saying "fashion girls needed" with this pic below it.  I was soooo intrigued but terrified.  I'm like omg I need to see this up close and make sure it is what I think it is, but if I click on the ad, am I going to become a fashion girl that's needed?

Anyway, WHAT THE FUCK???? seriously? I hope this is one of those optical illusions because if not, damn.      Does Lady GaGa and her retarded fashion sense know about these yet?   Shoes like this I think signify the end of the world, because if people pay real money for this, then I'm going to start hand crafting some antelope horn shoes where I can walk on TEN pointy objects at the expense of some wild animal. Take THAT dog body shoes!

Dammit, this probably isn't even real and I just got all uncomfortable and blog-happy about it for like 10 whole minutes. DAMN YOU FACEBOOK. 

ps...... apparently these dog body shoes also take real live dog shits. look at the bottom right corner. that's all.

CHECK MY HOT ASS OUT

Posted by: Elyse

GIMME THIS

Posted by: Elyse

ummmm ok, so I know I'm all about getting free shit, but for the love of god, someone HAS to get me this. I would sell my bed on ebay and just sleep within this shark's mouth for the rest of eternity. Or until I die of back pain.

And then can you imagine how awesome it would be to lure a dude home from the bar and he's all thinking hellllll yeah and we go to my room and its empty besides a tv a desk and a dresser, except for shark bag. And I crawl into it as seductively as possible.  hahahahah. oh man I'm cracking myself up.  Shark bag one night stand, new goal for 2011.

Don't worry, I got this.

Posted by: Christie

Found the cure for AIDS/HIV at the bar tonight. Wondering how/why they've been hiding it so long.  And more importantly why they decided to stash it at Brass Tap.

PANIC! at the walmart

Posted by: Elyse

So, anxiety. I really hope you guys will understand where I'm coming from with this. Otherwise you're just gunna think I'm batshit crazy.

So the other day, I get in the shower in the morning and I get all wet and then I go to squirt some soap on that weird poufy thing that all chicks use and I'm like oh crap I have like a drop of soap left, I'll have to go to Walmart.  So alright, washy washy scrubby scrubby. All clean.  Wash my hair, then go to lube it up with conditioner and guess what? The bottle makes that terrible empty-ish farting noise and blasts out the little bit that was left. And then in my head I'm like great, my parents think I have terrible shower gas.

Lube up the hair, rinse, then I'm ready to wash off yesterday's prostie make up.  Pump out a squirt of that and shake the bottle and THAT shit's almost empty too.... so now I'm getting irate, meanwhile trying to keep a mental list of all these supplies that I need at Walmart while it's 7am and I'm probably hungover and naked and vulnerable.

If you think it ends there, it doesn't. Because Elyse was also just about out of deodorant, black eyeliner, brown eyeliner AND mascara. Like, holy shit.  Why the hell does that always happen? I can't just run out of one thing every few weeks and then spend the $5 when it happens? No, I have to run out of 90% of my daily toiletries and all that shit so that when I go to Walmart, it looks like I'm gearing up for a serious evening of hookering and a serious morning of cleaning up afterwards.

So now I really DO need a list to bring into that hellhole with me.  And when I have a list, I have anxiety. Instant anxiety.  And then I'm all worried and sweaty when I get in there that people in Walmart are going to judge me based on what I'm buying.  I know, its totally ridiculous that I'm worried about ppl in Walmart judging me, since there's an entire website devoted to people judging people inside those safe haven walls (http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/, if you live in a cave).   And do not doubt for a minute if you see me on my phone in Walmart that I'm probably not actually talking to anyone.  I'm basically just avoiding having to socially interact with anyone who's going to judge my taste in conditioner.

AHHHHHHHHHHH I can't believe I just blogged about this, now I'm all worked up again. I hate you guys

Will Smith's daughter

Posted by: Christie

hi, I'm 9.

GEICO commercials

Posted by: Christie

I find myself having a love/hate relationship with the GEICO commercials. Whenever I see one for the first time they always moderately annoy me but as I keep seeing them, after a while, I begin to enjoy them.  It's the weirdest thing. GEICO has probably invested in some turn of the century subliminal messaging campaign. Here's the latest:



Now, I don't want you to form an opinion after this first time watching it. Give it a couple days, let it sink in, then come back and watch it again and tell me you don't at least smile.

Okay, that's all for now, I gotta go give the Elyse the belt for not including a picture in her last post.

Today, I almost died.

Posted by: Elyse

that's about it. the warrior dash is the most insane and torturous event that i have ever been through in my life. 2 miles straight uphill on a ski mountain. ONE station with little baby cups of water. obstacles everywhere. then another 1.5 miles DOWN a mountain. running. jogging, dying. not breathing. no cigarettes. lungs exploding. i legit felt like a marathon runner and i almost lost control of my bowels. just kidding. jumping over fire at the end???????? ummmm hello? I had to run immediately to the bathroom to make sure i didn't singe my vagina, because like.... i need that thing.

and guess what? THE TURKEY LEG AT THE END COST 8 DOLLARS. no let me rephrase that..... 4 meal tickets. at two bucks a pop. so yeah 8 bucks.

i actually had a blast i just sound bitter right now because all my limbs and muscles feel like someone lit them on fire and then tried to put it out with kerosene. oh and now i have to go to a party. damn.

oh sweet jesus

Posted by: Elyse

yeah soooo i didnt' blog tonight because i was really busy making bad decisions.  I would say i'd fill you in on them tomorrow but i won't, for two reasons.

one, because i'll probably make a few more before the weekend is over and then that'll be too much to explain. god you guys make me feel like i'm talking to a priest all confessional style. STOP JUDGING ME.

and two because I probably won't remember my bad decisions in the morning. OH WAIT jk, i will bc i'm supposed to be in bed 3 hours ago because HOLY CRAP you bitches have no idea what i'm doing tomorrow. omg. basically, look at this.

none of these skanks are me, but after tomorrow, I will own one of those helmets. thats right m'friends. I, who keeps Philip Morris and his merry band of tobacco farmers in business, will be completing a 3.3 mile obstacle course on Windham mountain in new york.  THE WARRIOR DASH BITCHES. it consists of fire, barbed wire, muck, swamps, tires, rock walls, wedgies, tits, ass, BITCHES, DUDES, you name it you got it!

best part is, to physically beat myself to hell, all i had to do was pay $70 to sign up and an additional $10 for parking! NBD! i'm made of money, duh.  I guess it was the fuzzy helmet with horns and the free turkey leg at the end that roped me in.  If you still don't get what I'm doing tomorrow, i'll blog about it. if i'm not dead.

HxC

pretty much sums it up

Posted by: Christie

 

 Right about now this is exactly how I feel about getting ready to go out.

You need to be on your tip-top game with your GTL to stay FTD to get the girls DTF in MIA…

Posted by: Christie

The official app for Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from the Jersey Shore.

Stay up to date with The Situation, enter contests, and even text message with The Situation himself!

Well, now I've seen everything.  No wonder this guy is grossing about 5 mil.  I wonder how the "grenade dodger" works. The best part? It's a mere $4.99.

Happy Friday bitches!

sauce